I mean this with absolutely no disrespect to anyone who may find themselves bored or often say this!
After all, I would say it seems to be more common than not from what I’ve seen or gathered from personal experience.
I just honestly will never be able to comprehend it?
Like if you find yourself bored then why don’t you just do something?
Maybe, something you’ve never tried before!
Or you could simply read up on a random topic you’ve never explored!
The possibilities to me seem literally endless.
I would say, maybe, I do tend to have more interests, I suppose, than your average person may have?
Also, I’m not like super into astrology and all that. However, I do find it to be quite a fun and entertaining topic to divulge yourself in from time to time.
I, myself, am a Sagittarius.
Interesting Fun Fact!
Almost everything I’ve ever read or heard relating to my zodiac sign describes me almost practically to the letter! Once again, obviously you need to take all astrology related things with a grain of salt.
(I’ve even read that in all reality, something along the lines of, that zodiac signs are currently not accurate considering they were originally based on the position of the sun relative to constellations. These were all set over 2,000 years ago meaning they aren’t “technically” accurate anymore. )
(Let’s stay on topic for now though! Shall we?)
My point in all that being simply one of the traits in being a Sagittarius is an inability to become bored. Which apparently seems to be universally true, for the most part, which is interesting.
If anything, my daily struggle is more about deciding how I want to spend my time?
Usually, I’m just along for the ride!
I’ll jump between activities and/or topics in the blink of an eye some days.
It’s as if I never feel I ever have enough time to do everything I want or need to do!
Just the endless game of life I suppose!
Being this way does come with it’s ups and downs like anything else.
I’d like to think it’s primarily a good thing?
Certainly, seems better than being bored!
Anyways, just some random late night thoughts from one random girl’s head. I meant nothing profound or the like by any means with this post.
Just sounded like a fun thing to do at nearly 6 in the morning!
If you have any input on boredom, whether it be your own or just in general!
Let me know in the comments because I’d genuinely love to hear other’s opinions!
I found myself very torn this week between writing about the importance of your “Voice” and how if you decide you are or may be transgendered should be something you begin to practice above almost anything else in my opinion or….
Jump right into the “Mental Changes” Topic!
I believe I dropped at least some type of hints towards either of these in my last Trans-Topic post?
I felt like it was better to mix up the changes talk.
As you can see, I have since decided on Voice for now, so let’s get started!
(As mentioned at the start before the really unnecessary introduction…)
I’m not saying that your voice is solely one of the most important things to focus on. I do feel, however, that it is something that may tend to be overlooked more so in the beginning?
I say this solely based on the fact that a “brand new awesome female voice” is not something you can just magically obtain overnight.
It takes time, practice, and dedication.
Surgery options are available if you feel you may choose to pursue this route as an option in the future. I have read that even then it is highly recommended to still do some previous voice training before surgery. This is said to help maximize results. As with all surgeries, some degree of risk is involved as well.
Personally, I don’t feel the need to pursue surgery.
I, myself, was able to obtain a voice I was more than happy with after I’d say two years?
Keep in mind, this is a point when I would say I “tapped out” for the most part is all. Not to say that I don’t still feel it continues to be better all the time but just more in the sense when it peaked?
It takes a decent amount of time is all my point is.
Basic, I guess, science lesson for you?
(I’m certainly not going to 100% guarantee what I’m going to say but I would hope it’s fairly accurate from research I’ve done in the past.)
We all are both born with an upper and lower register that we use for speech. Most of us as children will all naturally speak in the upper of the two until puberty when males begin to trigger the use of primarily the lower register.
We are all capable of accessing these registries with time and practice. This training and/or practice should be taken very seriously or you may run the risk of straining your vocal chords.
(Pretty much just meaning you’ll have like a super bad sore throat for a day or two!)
A “mistake” you sometimes will see, is that some Mtf’s may try to talk using more of a “falsetto” type of speaking voice. Involving simply trying to sound higher or more “airy” if you will.
Let me stress this, now!
There is absolutely nothing wrong with this!
You don’t even have to do anything to your voice as far as I’m concerned!
By all means, you do you, kick it low or high, whatever works for you!
This is simply all just my opinion on something I know, for me, was very important not only for myself but my ability to feel comfortable with others as well.
Where was I…?
This is not the style of voice that you should be striving for in your long term goals to sound more “feminine.” You can’t be afraid of the lowness or deepness of your voice.
If anything I say embrace that!
Seriously, listen to how your average woman speaks?
She’s not all light and nasally or up in her head!
She’s just talking and hopefully being awesome!
Training yourself to access and use this “upper register” as mentioned before will eventually lead you to not even thinking of how natural it is to just talk and be yourself. I feel like your inner “thinking” voice is an interesting example you’ll see change, as well.
I would honestly consider my voice to be my “saving grace” in my ability to “pass well” for the most part. Once again, not something you should need to feel any concern about! If it is, however, then it is completely within your reach!
Yes, it takes time!
Pretty much every second you get alone should be practicing time!
I would highly recommend finding training videos and other resources to help you. Both are fairly easy and accessible to find on your own. You can use ones that aren’t specifically “trans-related” that work just fine, too. I would say I used a healthy combo of both myself.
Still to this day I repeat this “Rainbow Passage” voice training exercise I’ve probably said like a million times!
(Along with plenty of various others….)
Another good thing to do is record yourself! I used to do this on my phones personal recorder for memos. Essentially almost every time I was in the car for probably two years? Let alone all the other times!
I feel like I’ve been making this sound like a grueling process but I assure you it’s not that bad! It may take time and effort but very little besides that in all honesty!
I know you can do it if you set your mind to it!
That’s cool like I said!
I’m all for the mentality of people doing whatever they need to with their lives to be happy as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone!
Whether that is your voice or anything else!
I hope this was informative, interesting, and/or helpful for some!
This is probably without question my favorite video game genre of all time and I don’t imagine that changing anytime in the near future!
I have always enjoyed gaming pretty much from my earliest memories. You could almost say I grew up during the “dawn of gaming” but I’m well aware you can certainly say it was much earlier as well.
Don’t get me wrong!
I just mean I remember having a brand new original Nintendo with nothing to play except Mario and Duck Hunt.
I mean come on!
I was close enough, right?
It wasn’t until around the time I turned like 10 or 11 I suppose that I found the lovely world of RPG’s!
I have since, never turned back!
The first three games I can think of at the top of my head that brought about both my initial exposure and love for the genre have to be Earthbound, Breath of Fire 3, and Final Fantasy 7.
Earthbound and especially Final Fantasy 7 being super cliche!
But for being 11?
I had pretty good tastes!
And Breath of Fire 3? That’s like one of my favorite games of all time!
You have to give me that one for some originality!
After having played these few games, as well as the various others that followed…
That was It! I was hooked!
I have since proceeded to play practically every game included in the aforementioned series above and plenty of others!
Hands down! Without a Doubt!
My favorite genre is older turn based RPG’s!
I have to say though, I feel like a lot of love for the “turn based” style isn’t really as prevalent anymore. Games are able to obtain incredible feats that they were simply just not capable of yet when games like this were most popular.
I’m fully aware for example the whole “open world” thing for one is highly appealing! I love this genre as well, but it’s fairly not often used with a turn based style of battle.
It doesn’t really suit it.
A more live action approach to combat only makes more sense given the general feel and experience of these types of games. Once again, just reinforcing that I fully understand and all that!
Plenty of great games are still made to this day that still implement turn based combat within their work. I personally feel like it simply isn’t as common as it once was is all!
I’m not entirely sure where I wanted to go with this post if I’m being honest?
I guess I’ve just wanted to cover at least a few basic topics regarding what I’ve claimed to be “all about” when I first started blogging?
I feel it probably is for the best I stop now.
If you even begin to get me started ranting on any one RPG…?
Let’s just say I’ll never stop! Even more so if you like it, too!
We shall leave further in depth analysis of this genre and/or if I like/dislike a particular game in the future!
Look forward to an Anime based post in next week’s Media Mondays!
Thank you anyone who enjoyed reading this!
Let’s not let the classic turn based RPG style fall into ruins….
Really, one of the last true great turn based Final Fantasies!
But not my favorite if you happen to be wondering…
Till next time! Thank you again for reading!
Also, Whoever took that amazing picture I used at the beginning of this post?
I somehow totally lost the link to leave you credit….
I’m so sorry, please just let me know if you see it by chance! I will be sure to do so!
In my very short time thus far being involved in blogging, I can firmly say without a doubt that I have already become utterly addicted and hopelessly in love! Not only with the blogging world but even more so with the COMMUNITY!
It has to be one of the most unique, amazing outlets for various creative purposes that I have ever had the pleasure of being a part of in my entire life!
I seriously don’t know why it took me so long to start my own when it was always something I found so fascinating.
I guess things just appear and develop when the time is right or something along those lines…?
How many other places can you find such an amazing outlet for creativity that brings people from all walks of life together?
It truly is nothing short of astounding!
In my small time since beginning to write my own personal blog I have already had the pleasure of connecting and conversing with so many different amazing people. Whether it be about our philosophies on life or our similar but also varying interests.
It really is incredible!
I just wanted to take a moment to thank anyone that has already helped me to realize how amazing the blogging experience truly is!
All of you and anyone in the future who ever takes precious time from their lives to take the love, care, and devotion to make posts of any kind has my full true and honest respect!
I gave up following “traditional forms for news and/or media” years ago because, for the most part, it honestly would just make me upset or even sick with the world we live in sometimes. I suppose I also do have a slight issue with trust revolving around typical media forms as well but that’s neither here nor there.
This is a whole other reason entirely that reading what others have to say whether it be serious or for pleasure is so appealing to me.
I started this blog with nothing more in mind than to just have a little fun!
It’s also really cool in the sense that it’s almost like a journal or diary of types to keep track of your various thoughts or feeling at certain points in your life. Which I always think is an awesome thing to do or have whether it be through poetry, music, videos, or any of the other various creative forms that exist.
I wasn’t sure how entirely serious I had planned to be with my blog when I first began.
I can say now with almost absolute certainty that I will not be stopping anytime in the near future.
Thank you once again, all you lovely individuals!
Keep doing what you do!
Whatever that may be!
(Currently listening to Bill Withers as I write this based solely on what I have mentioned in this post if your curious!)
I’d like to start this post by specifying, once again, something I mentioned in my “So you think you might be Trans” post. Hormones are to be taken very SERIOUSLY! They are not something that you just wake up one day and are like, “Hey, this sounds awesome! I’m gonna start this right now!” This is not at all how something as serious as hormones should be approached by any means.
Hormones will change everything about you both physically and mentally. When I say they will change everything I mean they will change EVERYTHING!
Some of the physical and/or emotional effects of hormones can be reversed if for some reason or another you decide to stop taking them. The longer you are on them, the harder it may or may not be for certain things to change or revert. Sometimes, it is even necessary to undergo reverse hormone therapy in some cases I’ve read.
So please, if you or anyone you know is debating starting hormone therapy in the future for any reason make sure that proper research and/or counseling is obtained beforehand.
With all that once again being stated…
Let’s begin shall we!
For me, personally, hormones were a struggle and a half at the beginning to say the least….
It took me over a year to have my blood-work return with levels in a healthy “normal” female range. I feel this was primarily in my case because I first chose to start by taking the pill form of estrogen. (I still hate needles and every time I have to do an injection!) I have never personally responded much to pills for whatever reason, no matter what they were for. I don’t know if this has to do with my metabolism or what but they just don’t typically work for me. I eventually ended up switching to injections and have since never had the above mentioned issues. This is a clear example of what I’m sure if you’ve even mildly searched this topic previously have come across this statement….
Your Mileage May Vary!
No truer words can be spoken when talking about hormones and how anyone is going to experience any type of changes. This is the number one thing to always remember. You can not always relate or compare your current/on-going experiences with others.
(After, what seems to be becoming a pattern with my trans-related posts, enormous intro…)
We might as well start with the fun stuff first so…
What changes can you expect?
Once again, this is all based on my own personal experiences so I may miss some things but I’ll try my best to cover everything.
Most noticeable, right off the bat, I primarily remember my skin changing. It gets softer, smoother, and just all around more feminine and awesome! I feel like this enough at the start helps you to feel even slightly better about your dysphoria. One noticeable downside to this is that softer/smoother is usually because your skin is actually becoming thinner. This means that you will probably begin to experience for example, “coldness” in ways you never have felt before. Any males who may be reading have LITERALLY no idea how much colder females usually truly are!
I guess, that leads right into one of the next which is loss of muscle mass. Some things like your limbs, hands, feet, (I guess everything…ha ha!) also will, slowly but surely, begin to shrink and/or take on a more feminine appearance. I was never like “super duper” strong before but the strength difference is almost unbelievable at times.
Moving right along, simultaneously, while all this loss is going on you are also gaining something. FAT! In places you may not have had before, all over your body! At first, I feel this is most noticeable in the face which helps greatly in obtaining a more feminine appearance. Followed only shortly by both hip/thigh and breast development.
Personally, I am still very lacking in all of these, sadly, being very small in all of these departments but I was always fairly skinny my entire life. I’ve been told/seen that it is much easier to obtain these things if you had more weight to work with in the first place. (I swear no matter what I do or eat I don’t gain a pound. Both a blessing and a curse I assure you!) I did still get to go through the lovely “puberty phase” of growing buds and the like while my breasts were developing. I have plenty of stretch marks on my inner thighs from them growing as well, so that’s awesome…
Hair is another major thing that will change, both on your head and your body. I was luckily blessed with never having all that much body hair myself. Any that I did have has almost completely ceased to exist at least in primarily male related spots such as chest, stomach, etc. Body hair in general everywhere on your body will most likely thin out and/or become much softer. Hair on your head, however, if you are “lucky” enough to be like me and have a slight recede, will grow back in some. Not by any great strides that could fully make you regrow a full head of hair if you may already be balding but enough to help somewhat.
Lastly, hormones will lead to you eventually becoming “impotent” most likely shortly after you begin taking them. Meaning you will not be able to produce what you would need to have children that were biologically your own. Plenty of options are available for those concerned with this. You can always freeze your “specimen” at various facilities but I’ve been told this is very expensive. You could adopt which I’ve always thought is one of the most awesome things anyone could ever do, no matter the circumstance. Maybe this isn’t a concern of yours at all and then you’re good to go!
I think, for the most part, that primarily covers most physical changes you can expect…
So, let’s move on to what will NOT change!
First off, your voice will not change on it’s own. This takes weeks, months, or even years to achieve with constant dedication and practice. I intend to make a post focusing solely on this in the near future so let’s move on for now.
Second, one that I hate every single day of my life at some point usually. You will always have the same bone structure and nothing is ever going to change that except for potentially very serious surgeries. If you are lucky to be blessed with things like me (ex. enormous rib-cage and broad shoulders!) you will always have them, so learn to love them! They will become slightly less noticeable by the muscle loss, mentioned above, hopefully though.
Hmm? I can’t really think of anything else right now…
I’m sure this post is probably big enough by this point anyway…
For those of you reading this who may be looking to begin hormone therapy in the future please take to heart what I’ve said and make sure to do your research. Talk to people, a therapist, a friend or family member, anyone you have before potentially deciding to begin. Hormones will change everything about you as previously stated and are not be taken lightly by any means. Not only will they change you physically but they will also change you mentally. (I plan to do an entirely separate post on this topic in the future. I feel it isn’t as often discussed and almost more prevalent/powerful in my opinion.)
I know that you may/may not have felt this way your entire life and/or the feelings are so strong right now that it may be all you can think about but please take your time. Make sure you know with 100% certainty that this is what you want with your life. Do not rush any type of decision making in your transition process.
I’ve never understood why throughout my life I have always seen this phrase in various places…
PUNK IS DEAD!
Punk music has always been one of my favorite genres of music, if not my most favorite! I love all music (except for country, don’t even get me started, some southern rock is cool but whatever….) , it’s by far my biggest passion and the very broad “punk genre” has always been super high on the list!
I initially got into punk music shortly before I entered high school if I had to guess? I know for sure by the time I entered high school is what like my entire life revolved around at the time. I hung out with all the “punk” kids, was always going to shows (both local and otherwise), and was even in a few of my own punk bands over the years.
Punk is such an amazing genre of music that I feel is often misunderstood by some who may have never had much exposure or experience with it? Not to say that’s the norm or anything but yea, moving on!
I feel like Punk in general whether you are referring to the varying music styles or the “fashion” is for the most part, in my experience, completely different than what your average “regular everyday person” may think.
Punk if nothing else I believe is about COMMUNITY!
I guess most “niche” or less “mainstream” than other interests tend to stress this more than most sometimes. The punk community if nothing else, in the simplest terms, is a gathering of “misfits!” I mean that in the greatest possible way mind you! A group of individuals from all walks of life, coming together to mutually appreciate music they love and their respective artists!
If you’ve ever been to a punk show before this should be more than enough to make this clear!
And I’m not talking about every show you’ll ever go to because some can tend to be a touch more “hardcore” but just average run of the mill punk show, ha ha!
Every single person in the crowd at a punk show (excluding random a-holes!) is constantly looking out for each other!
You lost your shoe?
I’m sure everyone around you is trying to help you find it and hopefully you do!
(I’ve personally finished a show in just socks for the record…)
O, NO! You fell down in the PIT!
Typically, people will form a “circle of protection” around you until someone else helps you get back up!
These are just two super quick examples but ones I’m sure we have all experienced or witnessed if a punk show has been a previous pleasure of yours.
Punk is about nothing more than appreciation of music and a great sense of community at it’s core! It’s about plenty of others things, of course, but I believe this sums it up in it’s simplest terms.
Punk often I feel has this connotation of “violence” tagged to it which is in most cases not the case at all in my opinion. Sure, some level has and always will imply with it some level of “revolution” but don’t many types of other genres tend to also share similar themes, don’t they?
This brings me back to my original point….
How is it exactly that “Punk is Dead?”
I mean if it’s one of my favorite musical genres and one that I have shared with plenty of others?
Is this just from people who really wanted like “anarchy” or something like that?
I truly don’t understand at all….
If, plenty of artists and creators are still alive and well, constantly still performing and the like.
Why do you think this?
If anyone has any input I would seriously, no joke, love to hear about it so leave me a comment if you like!
I’m going to leave you with this…
Punk is about a lot more than just fashion, world views, or anything else for that matter!
First and foremost, it’s about MUSIC!
Not to say that punk doesn’t tend to carry with it a “certain mentality” I feel like from my experience. I don’t think it matters if your someone rocking the biggest mohawk I’ve ever seen with ripped jeans or maybe you’ve grow up a bit and find yourself now rocking a suit and tie most days for work!
You’re still PUNK as hell if you still have that music appreciation and mentality alive in your HEART!
Punk is Alive and Well!
I know I will never stop loving it my entire LIFE!
Don’t forget to let me know if you have any idea why some people use this phrase and like/follow if you like what you see!
(Been listening to “Bikini Kill” for the majority of this post if your curious, ha ha!)
I’d just like to start off by saying that I can still honestly not get over how utterly enormous my previous post was…
What a “behemoth” that turned out to be, huh? Jeez!
Lesson learned and I promise I will try to never release a post that substantially large ever again!
Now, on with today’s topic…
SELL YOUR BRAND!
What exactly does this mean?
I have found myself over recent weeks and months, doing more research, on more topics and information, than I have in a very long time! During said research, I kept coming across the phrase “sell your brand.” I wouldn’t say it was a term I had never heard before but at the same time certainly not one I fully understood?
Or at least I’d like to think so….
From what I’ve gathered, it’s mainly about just getting your particular name or business out there in anyway that you can. Whether it be by word of mouth, posting on social media, using various other services, friends and family, blah blah blah…..
Seriously, though! Clearly, this is important! I don’t think it matters exactly how you decide to go about the means to obtain what it is you would like to achieve as long as you keep trying your best I guess?
For the most part, I’d like to think I’m a believer in the philosophy that if you set your mind to something and it’s really what you want…
ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!
(Cliche I know, but I’m a true believer!)
I didn’t intend to keep this post long or practically informative. You could even say it’s more just for my own self satisfaction or whatever. Make me feel like I haven’t been wasting so much of my time on my varying recent endeavors.
But, to be honest, I really could care less! Haha, I’ve been having a blast just messing around, trying things I’ve never done before but also wanted to do, reaching out and communicating with other creators, etc.
O, by the way, I’ve recently came up with a rough plan or structure that my blog shall hopefully begin to follow shortly!
I shall be attempting to always release new content on Mondays and Thursdays every week! On Mondays I plan to focus on topics mainly related to my various interests ranging from what I might be into at the time to something I’ve always been passionate about!
I shall be referring to this as MEDIA MONDAYS!
(IKR! Great name!)
(Sense the sarcasm….?)
So what does this mean for Thursdays you ask?
(I bet you didn’t see that one coming!)
Where I discuss all transgender related topics having to do with not only my own experiences but other things that may be going on in the trans-community!
This is not to say these will be the only days I will ever post. This is more so, not only for myself, to help me maintain a schedule but also so new potential followers know when to look out for my content!
I suppose with that, I’m gonna wrap things up for now! I hope with all the power within me this post has remained a decent size….
I promise I’m really going to get my technique down eventually!
Thanks you as always for reading!
Let me know what you think about my posting ideas or schedule down in the comments! I’d love to hear anyone’s opinions!
(Disclaimer: I can almost guarantee with absolute certainty, that this will be the longest post you ever find here. When I got done writing this, I honestly couldn’t get over how long it turned out to be! If you somehow manage to make it through the whole thing you must be a saint! Not to say you won’t find it enjoyable, just proceed at your own risk….. You have been WARNED!)
Accepting and coming to terms with the fact that you might be transgendered in the beginning is most likely one of the scariest, exciting, most confused and stressed times you will ever go through in your life. I know for me, personally, it was all of the above stated and more. I can honestly probably say for the first few months it was the lowest place I have ever found myself in my entire life so far. You are constantly overwhelmed by powerful thoughts and emotions. You may not be able to think about anything else and find yourself doing absolutely nothing but reading, researching, and/or huddled up in a ball unable to doing anything at all. First and forth most, REMEMBER TO BREATH!!
I know if you’re anything like me you can’t do anything but what I just said but just remember, like all things, that all these feelings and thoughts will eventually subside, at least by some degree. So, after you are able to recollect yourself and hopefully are able to function. What should your next steps be? You’re probably dying to tell someone or you may want to start hormones right this second and can’t stand living another second without thinking of a way to obtain them right this second! All of these things, I would imagine, are universal for most trans people. Just try to remember that none of this is going to happen overnight. That everything takes time whether you decide to pursue medical transition or not.
Most, professionals and other members of the community, recommend that you find a qualified counselor or therapist who specializes, hopefully, in gender dysphoria. This may or may not be the right step for you but I know that many states in the US and other locations require a letter of recommendation from a licensed professional if you choose to seek out medical treatment. I, myself, at the start, found such a professional and saw them regularly, once a week, for probably almost my first 3 months before deciding to come out to others. At the time, this was very important and helped me a ton! I feel this was what finally helped me to become somewhat stable again and finally to gain the courage to come out to others. I have since then, never pursued counseling or like ever again so far. This is primarily financial I suppose, but I also don’t feel like therapy is really the right thing for me as a person. I feel as if they seem to mostly be “stick to the book types” which I really don’t feel applies for everyone. It certainly does not for me, but this is usually a great first step as I said and recommended by almost everyone.
So, at this point, you may or may not, have done the above stated. Perhaps, you already decided to come out to a close friend or family member or found a medical treatment center that does not require a professional’s letter of recommendation. At the very least, I hope you are starting to feel even slightly better about yourself. No matter what you decide to do, whether it be medically transitioning, or if you found a way to be comfortable with yourself as you are. Remember, that you are an awesome and unique individual and you have plenty to live for and offer to this world!
Now, for those who do find yourself in the position of wanting to come out to others, seek medical care and like. What, now? For me this was easily hands down one of the most frightening things you could ever imagine! You, may or may not, have felt like this your entire life, you could have only just came to terms with what has always been that itching feeling inside you that you couldn’t explain, or maybe the latter.
I knew myself, from a very young age, that I felt as if I was a female from probably around the age of 4 or so (pretty much my earliest memories.) When I was this age I didn’t, necessarily, think anything of it but I remember going to sleep almost everything night wishing I would somehow magically wake up as a little girl, instead of a little boy. I really didn’t understand why I felt this way and, sometimes, wondered if anyone else ever had similar feelings. When, I got a little bit older, I slowly realized that this typically was not the case. For the most part, locked it away forever, remaining as my deepest darkest secret for most of my young life.
I tried my best to suppress my feelings, most of the time, which was both an exhausting and daunting task at times. I would often find myself seeking media forms that involved transgender themes or reading various fantasy related stories, involving different types of transformation, to try and ease these feelings. This, usually, kept these feelings and urges at bay. I tried my best to just skate through life as best as I could manage. I would typically have feelings of guilt or, sometimes, even feel sick with myself for having these thoughts.
When I entered my early teens (the lovely time for puberty that is such a FANTASTICtime for most! Can you sense the sarcasm…?) I slowly found myself starting to experiment with “cross-dressing”. Once again, I found myself with another huge major “deepest darkest secret.” I would borrow clothes from my mother, sister, occasionally steal them from stores, pretty much anywhere I could get my hands on new items. This was when I really started to feel even more disgusted with myself. I found myself constantly going through the “purge stage” in which I would obtain a bunch of various items that I would usually hide somewhere in my room, and then completely get rid of them, usually by throwing them in the trash, telling myself that I would never do this again because I was disgusting, a freak, or any other negative connotations. This was a constant struggle that I found myself going through for most of life until probably shortly after I graduated from high school. At this point, I told myself I was done forever that I was never going to do this, ever again! I was going to completely lock away this part of myself and never do anything to remind myself of anything even somewhat related to it. This worked for a long time. My life was continuing to progress in a somewhat “normal” fashion for someone my age. Things were “fine.” Not great, or even good, but fine.
When, I reached the legal drinking age in my country (Who am I kidding? Even slightly before so, but mainly at this time…) I found myself falling into the lovely state of being what I’d call a “borderline alcoholic.” A very normal and common distraction among transgender folks and plenty of others, as well. When, I was freshly 21, for at least a year I’d say, I would go to the bar with my friends almost every single night and half the time would find myself getting “black out drunk.” I was so miserable at this point that just being able to not be conscience at this point was the greatest thing in the world to me. I was noticeably openly depressed and would often discuss this with close friends without ever disclosing what I knew was most likely the underlying cause for most of these feelings. This technique worked for a decent while, but like most things, this era eventually came to an end.
At the “ripe” age of I want to say 23ish, I found myself in what was, to be completely honest, the first real “relationship” I ever had in my life. A young woman, who was only a year younger than me, had become “head over heels” in love with me and decided to confess this to me. At this point in my life, I honestly wasn’t even sure what my sexual preference was, or if I even had one for that matter. I figured this might be a good time to try and figure that out and decided to pursue a relationship with her. We were friends already so I had already previously cared about her as a person and we always got along great. I really did, and probably always will, love her in some way. Things seemed like they were going pretty well. We were having fun like we always did, doing random things throughout the day, you know, normal couple things. This is all slowly started to change when she asked me the question….
“So, why haven’t you ever tried to sleep me with….?”
YES! I was a 23 year old virgin! Is this really that shocking considering the above stated? I’m obviously joking, but you get my point, haha. This question scared me more than anything else in the world! Like I said, I really did care about her and I knew that she was an attractive woman but I honestly still really didn’t have any need or desire for those types of activities. We had kissed, of course, and the like, by this point and that was nice, for the most part, but still, this was a whole other level to me.
Long story short, this continued to be an issue for literally our ENTIRE relationship. We, eventually, as you would imagine, did end up “sleeping together.” Our first time together, like it is for many others, was how should I say this? Well, it didn’t last very long….
For some reason, in the back of my mind, what happened next, I for some odd notion, always knew was going to happen. She got pregnant…
This changed everything!
I found myself in a very precarious situation. What was I supposed to do? I always wanted to have children but I hardly even knew what my sexuality was at this point. We ended up deciding to have the child and do our best to make a life for ourselves, together. We found an apartment, told our parents, and just did the general things most “soon-to-be parents” do. Nine months later or so, our son was born! At this point, I honestly couldn’t have been happier, life was great! I felt like a full fledged, established adult! How, grand! I was with someone I cared deeply about, had a child I loved more than anything in the world, (even more so than I had even wondered if I was capable of at this point) and things were going good. Shortly, after around the time, I would say he was slightly older than a year, we decided to start planning a wedding. I mean it was the right thing to do at this point, right? What else does a happy couple with a newborn do with their lives?
A year or so later, we were married. An awesome little wedding, if I do say so myself, and a blast to plan! (Interesting side note, at one point while meeting with our photographer, he commented on how I mentioned and noticed things that other, “soon-to-be husbands” rarely ever say or acknowledge. RED FLAG! Maybe? Haha!)
Things were progressing at a normal pace for a newly married couple and their child. We bought a house, slowly made it our own little by little, and life went on. Give or take another year or so, we decided to start trying to have a second child. Once again, only the next logical, reasonably, normal step in the life of a happily married couple? I should stress again at this point, that as previously stated, our physical relationship was always, ALWAYS, a struggle. It was honestly probably one of our most major reoccurring issues among other things….
She practically was always up for a “fun physical romp” while myself, however, could still honestly, ever care if we had physical relations or not. Never the less…
Another, nine months or so, give or take. We had another healthy young baby boy! Things were going good still, right? How could I not be like the happiest person in the world? I had almost anything that most could ever dream for, a home, a loving wife, and two beautiful children! Sadly, at this point, after so many years, it all came rushing back in, more powerful than it ever had been, previously, before….
I honestly don’t even really remember at this point what even brought it back, but when it did happen, it was terrible…
I could barely function, it became all I could think about no matter how hard I tried. Everything I had ever felt previously about feeling as if I should have been born female came rushing back into to me like a drug! I began reading stuff online again, fantasy stories on occasion, real life stories about other transgender people coming out, mostly anything I could get my hands on. At this point, I was losing it! I had no idea what to do but eventually came to terms with the fact that I needed to do something about this or I was, most likely, going to potentially do something terrible….
I decided to seek out a therapist that specialized in gender dysphoria and was luckily able to find one only a short distance from myself. I told my wife that I was simply going for depression. She was very upset because she didn’t understand why this wasn’t simply something that I could discuss and work out with her. I stressed that everything was fine and just really thought I had gone too far, at this point, and felt I needed professional help. She was fully aware that I had be going through something, by far worse than I had ever dealt with, previously. She was also always aware that I had struggled with depression and anxiety in general.
I proceeded to head to first counseling appointment. Utterly terrified and shaking, like I’m sure many are going to a therapist for the first time, whether it be for trans-related issues or otherwise. Session after session, I slowly but surely started to feel somewhat better. Not great, but I was at least regaining a slight ability to function again.
Eventually, (I’m not entirely sure after how many sessions) I finally worked up the courage to do what I knew was enviable at this point…
I had to tell my wife, it wasn’t fair to her not to anymore.
I forget my exact words and how I eventually did attempt to explain it to her but it honestly went a ton better than I was expecting. Initially, of course, she was shocked. Who wouldn’t be hearing something like this for the first time? Let alone with someone you’ve shared your life with for nearly five years at this point. After weeks, longer even, of countless discussions and arguments, she eventually decided that she was willing to still try and make things work with us. I was both, shocked and relieved, at this point! I couldn’t believe it! I never thought that she would be so accepting. I think this is most married transgendered people’s greatest fear in the beginning, potentially, losing the trust and care of the one you love.
Things were finally getting better for me at this point! I was on top of the world almost for a time. Why wouldn’t I be? Things all slowly started to change when she realized the full extent of what this would entail for our life together. I knew by now, after continuing to still go to therapy, that I not only needed but was ready to start pursing hormonal treatment or I couldn’t continue another day.
THIS CHANGED EVERYTHING!
When, I first came out to her I don’t think the full gravity of the situation was really clear to either of us. I still wasn’t sure what I wanted to do or how to go about it. She was trying her best, but it was still always so hard for her, which was the last thing I ever wanted. I knew I had to begin taking hormones, as soon as possible, or I wasn’t going to able to continue to feel okay and function like I was. She was not okay with this, and I can’t blame her in the slightest. I don’t see how you could blame anyone for feeling that way.
Another, long story short, after months of continuing to struggle in figuring this all out. I, eventually, decided that me being with her wasn’t what was best for either of us….
This killed me more than anything else at the time, for a multitude of reasons, but to this day I still feel it was for the best. (Not to say that I don’t still feel some level of guilt for all this fairly often, even after all this time…) To be completely honest, I don’t want to use the word excuse, but us separating was a long time coming for many other various reasons that I don’t feel like getting into right now.
I moved back into my mother’s house, at this point, with her and my three siblings. By now, I had come out to most of my immediate family as well. Luckily, everything single one of them was amazing and couldn’t have been more accepting which I know is a luxury so many of us are, sadly, not blessed with. I did lose some friends while coming out, which is to be expected, but also at my age at the time, is when you start to drift from some of the friends from your youth, so that may be either here nor there, in some circumstances.
I found myself, slowly but surely, reverting back into one of the worst places I had ever found myself….
I was still seeing my therapist regularly, while, also beginning to look into where I could seek medical treatment. (Which my therapist was against at this time, for the record, but I knew it was the right thing for me, regardless.) After, a short internet search, I was able to found a physician specializing in trans-related care, located only about an hour’s drive from where I lived located in Philadelphia, called the Mazzoni Center! I was thrilled! They have an “online patient portal” which allows you to contact them at anytime and I remember sending them my first message, around, three in the morning…
I woke up the next day, to find they had already replied and set me up for an initial intake appointment and assessment! I attended the appointment, shortly after, and roughly two weeks later after receiving my blood work, I started taking hormones about a week before my 28th birthday! Once again, for a time, I felt like I was on cloud nine and everything was coming together! However, just like previous times, this did not last for long….
The reality of life, slowly but surely, started to catch up with me again.
WHAT THE HECK WAS I EVEN DOING?
How could I throw away everything I had in my life? What am I going to do now? Did I make a mistake? How am I going to support myself? (I worked in a primarily male dominated field, at the time, and did not feel comfortable continuing to work in said field.) Should I really still do all this? I fell back into terrible depression and spent most of my time sleeping just so I didn’t have to face my problems.
Eventually, I was finally able to come to terms with my choices and reassess everything. I came to the enviable conclusion that I did, in fact, not make the wrong choice. It was either attempt to transition, and live as who I always I was meant to be, or end my life.
So, I stuck to my guns!
One step, after the other, I slowly but surely dealt with everything I needed to do. I stopped attending therapy at this point feeling not only did I not really need it anymore, but I could also not continue to afford it financially. I, eventually, got divorced and dealt with all the fun stuff that entails. I began regularly being able to see my children, after not seeing them for some time. (Sigh…) I found a new job in a completely different field than I was previously in. (Granted, I only remained there for a short time but that’s a whole other story and a topic I plan to cover in the future!) Things were finally starting to, at least, somewhat settle I guess, for the most part.
For now, though, I think it’s about time I wrap this up! All other stories and life details shall be saved for another time. (I honestly did not except this to turn out to be even half as long as I’m imagining this has become, haha.)
I really hope my story was, in anyway, helpful or relatable to any of you. I’ve been wanting to put myself out there and give back to the trans-community for some time now and I’m so happy I am finally at a place in my life where I am able to do so! I’ve, now, been on hormones for nearly five years and fully live my life “fulltime” as they say. (I really don’t care for that term.) I still have my “ups-and-downs” regularly like anyone else but I’ve made it this far and you can, too! No matter if you’re trans or cis (not transgendered) never give up on your life! You can always find something to live for and you are always worth it!
Before I go, I just wanted to say a few more things. No matter how you may be feeling and no matter how sure you are that you are transgendered or even want to transition.
DO NOT RUSH THINGS!
I REPEAT, DO NOT RUSH THINGS!
Hormones, and the like, are no magical instant cure for all your problems in life. Sure, they might help a ton, but they do not fix everything. If you were suffering from any type of mental health concerns, or any general life problems, they will still be there even after you begin to transition. Granted, hormones sure helped me a ton in regards to both of these, aforementioned, concerns but your general health and well being needs to come from much more than just hormones. This is very important to remember before you, potentially, decide to seek to medically transition. It can become very easy when you first start researching trans-related topics to “romanticize” it which is something you really should never, ever, do!
I’m not going to lie to you….
Life for a trans-person sometimes can be awful…
It is a constant struggle, not only with others, but with yourself. However, I’m not trying to be a “negative nancy” by any means and if you do come to the eventual conclusion that transitioning is right for you….
THEN, YOU FREAKIN’ GO, GUY OR GIRL!
Alright, on that note, I’m really going to finally wrap it up this time! (I have a tendency to ramble if you ever do decide to continue to follow my blog…) I think for my next post, I’m most likely going to write something related to music, just to mix things up and keep it interesting.
If you found yourself here and actually listened to what I have to say…
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!
In fact, I love you, regardless! This world is a rough, and sometimes really hard place to live, but with support of good friends and family anything is possible! If you ever find yourself in a rough spot, please reach out to someone before you do anything rash. I recommend visiting Susans.org for an awesome transgender related forum! You can also seek help from, Trans-Lifeline, a suicide hotline made exclusively for transgendered individuals. If all else fails, and you have absolutely no one else, reach out to me! I couldn’t be more serious! If you have absolutely no one else to talk to and find yourself in a rough spot, email me and I will, honestly, do my best to try and help!
If you’ve somehow managed already to stumble upon this blog I would have to say I’m absolutely shocked, haha!
I’m not even gonna lie to you but this is all very, very new to me.
I’m currently in the process of trying to grow my online presence both professionally and personally. I really came across wordpress.com completely by accident while filling out a job application that asked if I was proficient in it…..
Well I guess you could say I’m almost there now, right!
Anyways, If you’ve somehow managed to continue to read and don’t already find my lack of grammar or sentence structure to be absolutely abysmal….
I welcome you to follow my blog as well as my other up and coming soon to be projects!
If you have any interest in transgender related topics, music, gaming, anime or life in general then I’m the girl for you!
Look forward to all this content and more!
Thank you so much for reading! I already love you!
Till next time, Ciao!
I don’t think I’ve ever said that before in my life but it just felt right…..