Just Wanted to Let You All Know I’m Still Here… (Also, I was Fired for the First Time in my Life…)

I can’t believe it’s been an entire month since I apologized for not being able to post after losing power for those few days weeks ago…

To say the least, that was the beginning of me entering one of my lovely “bad things tend to happen in threes” scenarios.

I find this quite funny considering one of the posts I had been working on at this time was on karma and how relevant it tends to be to my life in this respect. I will most likely edit said topic shortly after this and post it soon. Even though it seems odd to work on something I wrote over a month ago so we’ll see how that goes. It may not reflect my current feelings and circumstances which just wouldn’t feel right…

I sadly currently find myself in a very low place which occurs more often than I’d like in the course of my life. I found that when I first began to blog that it was very useful in helping me in this respect. Not only in organizing my own thoughts but also to help give me a task that I enjoyed doing. It doesn’t even necessarily feel right to post in a state of mind when I am not all that positive since this is what I always hope to inspire and convey. I am all about being real as well though which I guess is bound to coincide with this at times. I’m struggling very much right now to find anything that can hold my attention or give me even a moment of relief.

Gotta love depression!

It actually feels wrong to call this depression since actual clinical depression is typically brought on by nothing at all (which I’m no stranger to as well!) and this time I certainly have circumstances that have triggered my current feelings. (Or lack there of I should say…it’s sad how I still tend to revert to my “pre-transition” defense mechanism at times.)

I’m truly trying my best to not let my anxiety consume me as it has so many times before in the past.

To make a long story short, once my power was finally restored I came back to find my internet had been shut off which left me unable to post and I was only able to afford to restore it a few days ago. I live all by myself and just basic necessities are hard for me to maintain even when I do make decent money.

I briefly mentioned once I believe in my post on “satisfaction” that my job circumstances had recently changed for various reasons leading me to make a significant amount less than I was before so.

I had become completely content with this change in career because I thoroughly enjoyed the change of work experience and was really good at it if I do say so myself! My friend was my manager, with me being one of his assistant managers. I was happy and finally starting to feel better but with most good things in life this sadly came to an end sooner rather than later…

A number of “drama packed” incidents occurred within my company as they seem to do more often than not over my past two years with them which ended with my friend/boss quitting. This left my store in quite a disarray.

Two weeks later….for the first time in my life…

I was FIRED!

I was asked to leave one night with absolutely no reasoning by the person who was chosen to replace my boss. At first, he wouldn’t even give me a reason as I stated, just abruptly told me to clock out and leave for the night. Eventually, coming outside to speak to me informing me he heard rumors me and a fellow manager were planning a “mutiny.” Yes, he literally used this word…

The other girl and I were utterly shocked by this statement to say the least and couldn’t believe we were being dismissed for nothing but “locker room rumors” considering we were practically running the day to day operations entirely by ourselves. It ended with him saying we could both return to work the following day. The next morning, however, I woke up to a voicemail saying once again that I was no longer needed and that was that.

This was only last week…

I honestly wasn’t sure if I had planned to return regardless after such events having never experienced such disrespect and lack of trust in a workplace.

I’m still taking it quite hard because not only have I been told by every manager I’ve ever previously had within this company that I’m one of the “best workers they have ever had” but also for it to all to be so personal and really still without proper reasoning for my dismissal.

Others and myself have come to realize the whole situation may have had to do with me being trans, with it all just being an excuse to get rid of me which is something I’ve yet to deal with in a work place scenario. Perhaps why I didn’t even consider it at first.

This was a situation in which this middle-aged gentlemen used to treat me entirely different before he found out about me. He had actually worked below me at the time before his advancement and was no stranger to the occasional comment or more straightforward attempt to “hit on me.” After he was told, even though my interactions with him had changed, I never thought he would let it affect our professional relationship. Especially when I did so much for him after he took over.

At this point, it’s all neither here nor there I suppose…

I really only planned to make this a very quick entry stating that I was still around and hoping to become more active again.

I think I’m going to mix it up and just start to post whenever the time strikes me and feels right. Not to say that I ever forced anything in the past. I may revert back to a more solid schedule in the future. For now, however, I think this is the best plan until my life becomes a touch more stable again.

I know I have at least four or so drafts to edit and hopefully post in the near future I had previously already written, but I may just end up scrapping them at this point…

We’ll see!

Writing anew would probably be for the best right now in my current state anyway!

I’m sure I’ll push through like I always do!

Hope you all are doing well!

(I feel like I’m already going to regret this absolute drivel…at least I posted again at all.)

“Birds…”by nightshiftboy is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

Trans-Topic Thursdays! Being Transgendered in No Way Defines Me.

One of the primary reasons I only choose to write about trans-related topics once a week typically is to attempt to portray this concept as best I can. I really only post transgender topics in the first place to help and/or educate others finally being at a place in my life where I feel am able to give back to the community. I never do it with any intention of boasting or to convey that it is miraculous to be trans or anything along these lines.

I try to write about all different kinds of topics and interests of mine to further enforce this point, also while hoping to potentially attract new readers without being “judged” first by any means for being transgendered. I feel that I have plenty to share with others that has absolutely nothing to do with being trans.

This is why in my personal life I rarely choose to disclose my “transgender status” with others before I feel they learn to know me simply as a person beforehand. I seldom approach it any other way nowadays with some exceptions.

At my core I am exactly the same person I have always been my entire life!

Just a much happier person who is more willing to express and share certain aspects of myself that I wasn’t able to do beforehand for a number of reasons.

I have primarily the same interests I’ve always had, the same views and philosophies on life with just simply, if anything, gaining more new hobbies and interests than ever before!

Don’t get me wrong, it may still on occasion upset or bother me on a personal level in some aspects but who doesn’t experience feelings like this about themselves every once in a while regardless of who or what you may be.

I feel some who may not be all that familiar with transgendered individuals can sometimes have this view that we are trying to “shove it down your throat” on occasion. As if we somehow feel we instantly deserve your respect or acceptance. I would never expect this from anyone else no matter what and never would expect the same in return. (I plan to write a topic based solely on my views pertaining to respect in general for those who may be interested in the future.)

I’ve stated previously in my topic about how, “being trans is in no way a choice” that we are simply just normal average people just trying to live our lives like anyone else. We have hopes, dreams, things we need and want. We are just like anyone else who just wants to be happy so they can be their best self.

Some trans people who choose to transition in the beginning might not initially or ever be up to the standards of what some may deem “worthy of being female” but this does not change the fact that they always have been and always will!

A good majority, if not all, are not seeking the “extra attention” they may often receive or trying to harm/offend anyone, I assure you!

Each and everyone of us, trans or not, is just trying to do whatever they can to be comfortable with themselves and be happy!

We all deserve this no matter who you are and/or your background!

Thank you so much for Reading!

Till next time!

“alone & thinking credit to https://1dayreview.com”by 1DayReview is licensed under CC BY 2.0

Trans-Topic Thursdays! I Really Dislike the Term “Trap” in the Anime/Otaku Community.

What are your first thoughts when you look at this small happy smiling anime girl in the image above?

Maybe you are thinking she just looks like your standard cutesy adorable type of character you tend to see often in many series?

You would be entirely correct in this statement and should think nothing less!

Granted her character in this show is actually a zombie but we’ll get to that in a minute…

For those of you who may not be all that familiar with the anime/otaku world let me begin by explaining just exactly how the word “trap” has been used by many in the community over the years.

The word trap in this particular instance as you may have guessed after me deciding to feature it as a “Trans-Topic” as opposed to placing it under a “Media Monday” post is used in a way you can probably imagine. It is used fairly commonly to describe, in a very general sense, a character who is for one reason or another implied to be “trapping you” by presenting as a gender other than their own.

Anime, manga, and the like is more filled with this particular “trope” then one may think initially if you have not been exposed to a great deal of it. It can arise in many forms, to just random moments, an episode or two, or even be the primary premise for an entire show in some cases. This can vary greatly from characters who cross-dress, actual physical transformations caused by fantastical means, or androgynous characters who may be hard to distinguish and/or are often “confusing” to others in many incidences. (I’m looking at you, Hideyoshi!)

In some cases as you may have guessed, however, some of these characters that people refer to as traps are legitimate trans people!

The first of my examples being the character I mentioned at the beginning of this topic! Her name is Lily from a reasonably newer anime called “Zombie Land Saga.” Lily, as I’m sure you may have guessed by now is revealed to be a young trans girl only towards the end of the series. I feel this is one of the most well done scenes in anime that has been done to this day to convey that she is transgendered in a very subtle realistic manner.

In the eighth episode she has a conversation with one of the other main girls in the show simply explaining about how she used to go by another name and giving a quick brief summary of her past explaining how her new name came to be. All the lead girls in this show are an idol group who are made up of the undead, hence the name of the series. You find out slowly how all the girls met their various ends with Lily’s death occurring from the stress of growing her first chin hair! If this isn’t as equally adorable as much as it hilariously expresses how some trans-females truly feel when puberty begins than I don’t know what is!

The next character I would like to discuss comes from an older anime released in 2005 known as “Paradise Kiss.” This show revolves around a group of fashion students primarily and their various other life struggles. One of the characters named Isabella is easily one of the most respectable representations of a genuine trans-woman I have ever seen in any anime!

This is another perfect example of a character whose “reveal” does not take place until much later in the series. I honestly questioned it somewhat myself when I first began to watch the show and had all but written it off feeling that I tend to do this in many circumstances as a trans-woman myself hoping to find such an amazing strong female character to potentially be transgendered!

The scene in which this is shown involves a flashback of her and a male lead from the show as children in which it shows the male character fully accepting her to the point he begins to design dresses for her to wear. When she first puts one on in front of him she is clearly very shy and embarrassed, with this almost instantaneously being erased from the full support of her friend. Since that day she lived her life as herself and that was that. Minor incidences do take place that portray some levels of discrimination at points, some of which you may not necessarily even pick up on in earlier episodes.

These are my primary examples of strong legitimate trans-female characters to appear in anime that are both so realistically presented.

A series named “Wandering Son” is one I wanted to mention very briefly as well. This particular show’s primary theme revolves solely around both a young trans female and a trans male. It portrays both of their individual struggles of being transgendered mostly involving a school setting. I highly recommend it to anyone who may be trans themselves or interested in the topic in general! (I say brief because I almost feel this show may deserve it’s own topic one day in the future!)

I would hope that some of you at this point would be beginning to understand how these particular characters, as many others, being referred to as “traps” is just plain incorrect and upsetting in a number of ways.

This term is often viewed in a whole other way than simply being used incorrectly on occasion. It can often tend to be looked at in terms of attraction and/or imply “sexual connotations.” I’m sure some of you have seen in past posts of mine that one of the number one things I can’t stand is when someone views transgender individuals as a fetish of any kind. The use of this word to describe and discuss characters who may be actual transsexuals or not only seeks to further enforce that this notion is acceptable in a number of ways.

I’m sure many view this as nothing but simple harmless banter. However, in this day and age where transgendered people have been placed in the “spotlight” more than ever in recent years I would really love to see it slowly cease being used if possible. I know this probably isn’t realistic to expect it to happen overnight. This is simply one of the more primary reasons I’ve always wanted to discuss this topic on some form of media.

I hope that even one person who may use this term on occasion would even slightly reconsider what the term “trap” can imply and mean to some. Potentially, maybe thinking twice about continuing to do so in the future.

Thank you so much for Reading!

Trans-Topic Thursdays! The Importance of Always Being Yourself! (By No Means Strictly a Trans Related Post!)

One thing I can not stand almost more than anything else is fake people! Something about this type of person, at least for me personally, is always so easy to pick up on and identify right off the bat. I couldn’t pin point exactly what it is about them that makes it so obvious per se. I feel it primarily has to just be mainly you can tend to tell when a person is trying to hard I suppose? I would imagine this has to become quite exhausting on occasion.

I’ve made it a habit since I was very young to only surround myself with genuine people whenever I was able to make the choice on who I spent my time with. I can’t think of many close friends I’ve ever had in my life that didn’t fit this qualification.

I understand fully that in some circumstances in can sometimes be necessary to put up some type of front or “wear a mask” as they say. Depending on the type of work environment you may find yourself in for example. I know I have personally worked many jobs that required a healthy amount of customer service. This sure does not mean that I keep up this level of presentation with my coworkers or even all customers however. I know a good majority of us can often hold back when first meeting someone whether it be a new potential friend or family member. This is completely normal as well! I’m talking mainly in the sense of once these relationships have been established for a reasonable amount of time.

I know for myself that any ability I ever had to hide anything of myself from anyone has all but completely faded since I started hormones and began transitioning.

(See, we are getting into why this is more of a trans-topic post now!)

I’m not entirely sure if this is more based on the mental changes I have undergone, just being tired of holding back my full “true self” for so long, or the latter.

I can say from my own experience and interactions with other transgender individuals that you will rarely encounter one of us that isn’t completely a genuine person! This applies more so once you get farther into your transition I feel for the most part but this is by no means always the case!

A piece of advice I’d like to give to those who may be just beginning to transition (or really anyone for that matter) is letting yourself fully find out who you are. I mean this more in the sense as to never feel the need to limit yourself by expectations!

Never let anyone or anything make you feel that you have to be anything that you’re not!

What I mean by this mainly to give an example, I tended to feel like early on in my own transition that some expected me to like overly change somehow in the sense that I would be stereo-typically more “girly” or something along these lines.

Do not get me wrong!

I am plenty “girly” in a number of different ways, ha ha!

However, I would say I am far from being dominantly so!

I am beyond “tom-boyish” in plenty of ways as well!

Once again though, what is all this honestly based on in the first place except for certain expectations put in place by our society?

What exactly is it that make such things absolutely have to be more preferred or “normal” by one gender over the other?

Why can’t people just be people?

I suppose this can sound a bit odd from someone who felt so strongly about their gender identity that they felt the need to change certain aspects of herself to feel more comfortable but I would hope you understand my point here, ha ha!

Back to just talking more in a general sense!

I feel like a common area this can apply for anyone is often being embarrassed or ashamed of your interests.

Whether they may be considered nerdy/geeky (whatever the heck this even means once again!) or anything in general for whatever reason a friend/family member of yours doesn’t approve of.

First and foremost!

Learn to stop caring at all what people think about you in any sense of the word!

I realize that this can be much easier said than done depending on the situation but does it really need to be?

Own whatever it is that you enjoy and makes you yourself!

And love yourself for it!

We are all incredibly unique people and this is what makes us all fantastically amazing!

No one else in this world no matter what will ever be exactly who you are!

Remember this!

Not only have I personally embraced my gender identity over the past five or so years but this process has also made me learn to be myself completely and fully! (Whether I want to be or not for the most part as stated above, ha ha!) I have all but ceased trying to hide my “weird” and often “crazy” self from anyone no matter who you are! Random stranger on street, my friends, my family, anyone!

I know I already stated this above but once again learn to love yourself for what makes you special!

I can almost guarantee that if you own whatever makes you uniquely yourself that you will become a ton happier than you have ever been in your life!

(As I often like to include in various posts! Always keeping in mind as long as this never involves harming anyone or causing anyone any kind of pain! If you do feel like this then please do yourself a favor and seek some type of help, ha ha!)

If you don’t love yourself for whatever reason right now, take comfort in the fact that even though I might not know you, I love you!

I mean this sincerely!

I tend to be cursed with this ability to always see the good in people and find something I like about you even with the aforementioned “faker” types. I’m sure you have your reasons for acting the way you do!

Thank you so much for Reading!

“Morning Hike”by SewPixie is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

Trans-Topic Thursdays! My Recent Experience Trying Dating Apps for the First Time!

As the title would suggest, I recently only a short while ago decided to finally experiment with dating apps for the first time ever in my life.

I’m a very traditional girl in every sense of the word when it comes to relationships and the like.

I’m not the type to do one night stands or any type of random hook ups really. I prefer to actually date someone that I share a real connection with and don’t do so very often. I can easily count the number of serious relationships I’ve ever really had on one hand.

I’ve always been a sucker for “movie magic romance” I suppose.

Two people meet in real life by chance, instantly share a connection and it just grows from there. Maybe a good old damsel in distress scenario, love at first sight or any of the other various movie cliches they make you believe as a child, ha ha!

Clearly, I’m grown up a lot and have realized it takes a lot more than such things to make a relationship work. The sole reason for me expressing all this is simply I never thought I would ever try any type of dating app in my life.

So, how did it go you might be wondering?

I barely even know where to begin…

I was absolutely overwhelmed with messages to say the least! Easily over a hundred only within the first day or so…

I’ve only played around with two separate apps so far so I’m sure results can vary greatly depending on which ones you may try but I primarily dealt with the same things on both of these.

First of all, being transgendered, I am never one not to disclose this information to someone the second they show any type of romantic interest in me. (This has really hurt in a number of ways previously in “real life” for the record which may even be what prompted me to try this is the first place.) In both of my profiles I made sure to express I was trans right away in the first section of my introduction.

Yet still…

A good majority of men clearly don’t read this at all and I found myself on multiple occasions dealing with them being both shocked and/or disgusted!

This makes a girl feel fantastic I assure you! (Trademark Sarcasm!)

After I get done sorting through these lovely types of people I’ve found that three main groups of others remain!

Regular run of the mill perverts/creeps! (Which I know all woman have experienced whether they want to or not!)
Fetish types! (Who rarely are even well informed on trans-related topics)
The very elusive potentially good guy!

I wouldn’t imagine I need to say much about how creepy some men can be. No offense to some of you gentlemen! Seriously, I even felt the need to eventually put in my profile that I won’t even respond if you instantly show me a pic of your “private areas,” then isn’t that almost enough said? Let alone just the instantaneous random very inappropriate comments!

Now, fetish types, this one almost deserves it’s own post in the future so I’ll try to keep this brief. If you at all attempt to approach or date a trans-person I can almost guarantee 100% of the time that they will never want to viewed as anything but themselves! If you have any interest in us just for being what we are then you need to GO AWAY!

This almost became a game to me at a point to make it my own personal pleasure to destroy these types of people! I would only do this after trying my best to honestly educate them on transgender individuals before so for the record.

This leads me right into my next point that applies to both these first two groups, being simply that in some circumstances that being transgendered somehow implies that you are “desperate” in the eyes of some people. I don’t understand what puts this idea in some peoples heads and maybe it doesn’t apply to all but it sure does to me! I have stayed single for quite some time by choice for the most part I promise you! I actually ended up adding this to my profile eventually as well even though it was about as helpful as everything else included on it…

Lastly, that leaves the extremely seldom found actually decent person who actually wants to attempt to have a conversation with you! I’d say from my experience this is roughly about 1/10 or so which is probably almost being a bit generous…

My experience so far in communicating with this rare breed has been quite the mixed bag. Sometimes it seems like you two are getting along extremely well only for them to turn out to be one of the other previously two mentioned types of people or just disappearing without any reason/word a good majority of the time.

I have since still, somewhat continued to talk to a few individuals off these apps but I’m not sure if anything will ever come from them or not. I did meet one person so far in person which went reasonably well but after that night I have yet to hear from them again. (Probably because I was unwilling to perform certain acts on our first meeting if your curious…)

I think I’ve learned the best way to approach this type of thing is to simply have no serious expectations and just try your best to keep it fun and casual?

I know many people I know personally have been lucky enough to find real long lasting relationships so I believe that it’s possible and some level of hope for achieving this exists if that’s what you so desire. If you go in with the mindset of knowing what you want or are looking for then I think it’s worth trying at least. Just certainly expect quite a wide variety of people to sort through before finding someone looking for something similar.

I personally don’t know how much longer I intend to keep using them myself honestly. I already have not used them for at least a week and have no idea if I plan to return to continue to do so currently.

Why do I have to be cursed with being such a romantic?!?

Kidding for the most part, but I do feel a certain level of truth exists in this statement for those who may feel similar to myself.

Dating sucks whether it’s the old fashioned way or by newer means!

I will always believe that eventually everyone will find love and happiness with someone else if that’s what they truly hope to find!

We all deserve love and support in our lives no matter who that may come from!

I feel like this post has ended up way longer than I intended even with trying my best to hold back so I’ll wrap it up here, as always…

Thank you so much for Reading!

“From Ads to Avenue of Chat: A History of Online Dating” by Jenny Waterson is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 4.0

Trans-Topic Thursdays! Being Transgendered is in NO WAY a Choice!

Had a hard time finding a picture I liked for this topic, then I saw this berry and it just seemed almost perfect for what I wanted to express!

I often read or even come across others in my own life that still seem to think that being transgendered is somehow a choice…?

Trust me when I say, it is in no way a choice!

Sure, if you think someone would choose to be something that affects almost every aspect of their life!

More often than not since you were a small child!

That constantly makes you feel uncomfortable and anxious!

Leaving you struggling searching to find something that makes you feel even a little better!

Maybe, you find transitioning (or not transitioning) could be the only hope you have to find some type of relief from what you’ve always dealt with!

Yet, also this means being persecuted by a large amount of the population just for trying to be yourself!

When half the time you hate yourself plenty all on your own!

Then, who wouldn’t want to sign up for this as their life, right?!?!

Please, trust me when I say that being transgendered is in No Way a Choice!

It may sound extreme but for many of us it truly is a choice between life and death. We would rather not live anymore, or finally try to live our lives as who we have always truly been and hope for the best!

Let me stress a point here!

We are nothing but normal everyday people just trying to live our lives for the most part. We truly mean you no harm! I don’t understand the viewpoint that exists at all some seem to have that we are in anyway deviants of any kind?

Let’s stay on topic though for now, shall we?

Honestly, for any of you who may have ever taken a look at my “behemoth” of a post about “coming out” would know how much I tried to suppress being trans until it completely consumed me. For as large as that post may be, it only details very small parts of what I dealt with throughout my life.

I remember being in kindergarten and my class having a “Hawaiian Day” or something along those lines at school. I wore like a fake grass skirt home we had all made in class just because I liked it. This was innocent, I didn’t think anything of it really? When I got off the bus I remember my friend’s father calling me a “faggot” and telling me to take it off. This must have hurt me enough at the time to still make me remember it to this day.

Watching home videos and stuff now with my family, they often joke with me sometimes about how you can tell I was way more interested in my sister’s toys. I know at least one of them involved a ring from a “Pretty, Pretty Princess” game. (I’m far from a “princess” for the record, ha ha!)

Often when I was younger people would often mistake me for a girl. This would make me as equally happy as it would make me upset.

Then, you hit your teens and forget about it!

You are freaking out about everything!

It’s all just wrong and it kills you!

This can often lead to you experiencing depression for most of your teens, often following you into adult hood. You can try to find various ways to deny these feelings. Shut yourself down emotionally, alcohol, drugs, hobbies, various other distractions and vices but…

IT NEVER GOES AWAY!

And it never will go away!

No matter how you end up dealing with being transgender this is something you just end up needing to accept eventually or you will probably be miserable your entire life.

For many this path leads to transitioning like myself but others find plenty of other ways in some cases that allow them to find peace with themselves.

To each their own!

I’ve said before, gender is a spectrum and you can take all the time you need to find where your place on it lies!

That seems like as good a closing line as any!

Learn to love yourselves everyone!

No matter who are you!

Thank you so much for Reading!

“IMG_1408”by CoryDeanSmith.com is licensed under CC BY 2.0

“Not caring what other people think is the best choice you will ever make.”by deeplifequotes is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

Trans-Topic Thursdays! Mental Changes from Hormones! (Almost more Prevalent than Physical Changes in my Opinion!)

I know that this topic is not one that is insanely unspoken about by any means! I do feel that in some ways it is almost put on the back-burner in a sense more often than not for some. I felt the need to write it more for those who may view or think being transgendered/transitioning is all more about the “physical aspect” of things than anything else.

Whether you be trans yourself or maybe just curious! I hope you enjoy!

Anyone who has read any of my previous posts will know that I have been on hormone replacement therapy (HRT) for roughly five years now. Words can honestly not even begin to describe the roller-coaster something like this entails! I truly don’t think it will ever be something one can fully relate to unless you are transgendered yourself and choose to pursue hormone therapy.

I like to refer to the first, give or take, two years I was on hormones to be the “puberty phase.” During this time you are experiencing more emotions, thoughts, and feelings than you can hardly stand half the time typically leaving you overwhelmed in a multitude of ways for various reasons.

Not only are you literally fully replacing all the hormones in your body, which effect more aspects of every sense of our lives more so than some probably may realize or think about all too often. You are also dealing with who knows what the heck else. You are most likely horribly depressed, anxious, you may not have support, etc…

I was lucky in the sense to have amazing support almost all around but I had plenty of others unique circumstances I was dealing with as well. I can easily say that this whole period of time was the most depressing period and hardest times I’ve ever went through in my life. (Which is saying something I assure you!)

I spent probably my first three months on hormones sleeping almost all day, everyday, not only from depression but the effects of the changes I was experiencing from such at abrupt change to my system. For most of these first two years I was irritable, upset, exhausted, barely ate half the time, I barely functioned in general…

Then, miraculously one day (which literally feels like it comes out of absolutely nowhere!) I realized two things…

I’m kind of starting to feel a ton better and more stable?

Actually….I feel like a totally different person!

THIS IS INSANE! HOW AND WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?!?!?

I swear you will always read or see about this aspect of transitioning and taking hormones often discussed by others but it’s unimaginable until you truly experience it for yourself.

Don’t get me wrong! I am still 100% myself in so many ways!

It’s almost more as if who I’ve always been is just like enhanced? (For lack of a better word or ability to explain…)

I feel another potentially huge factor in all this is also how, more often than not, trans people will suppress who they really are in a lot of ways. I mention in my coming out post about how I used to mainly just let myself be emotionless almost, unintentionally, so I didn’t have to deal with how I really felt.

I can assure you now that I feel more emotions and cycle through more thoughts in a single day than I can even handle some days! Ha ha!

I feel in some ways like I was only born about 3 years ago and honestly never feel like the person I was before was ever me.

(I often think about how funny it would be if we could somehow meet. I think it would be HILARIOUS!)

When you first begin HRT I think a lot of the initial effects come more from relief of finally starting steps to help yourself and may in some ways even be a type of “placebo effect.”

Let me assure you, however!

Things are going to change one day in ways you can’t even comprehend out of nowhere and it will be amazing!

Be patient! As always, with all aspects of transitioning YOUR MILEAGE MAY VARY!

Transitioning is by no means a race! Unless growing as a person every single day like we all should in life should be rushed… (Sarcasm!)

While, I still struggle in plenty of ways, as we all do, whether it be “normal problems” or transgendered related things, I have never felt better about myself as a person all around and continue to get happier and more comfortable every single day!

I do intend to make a post in the future pertaining to more specific examples and experiences that these changes have entailed but for now I think this will do just fine!

I hope this has been mildly entertaining and/or informative!

Thank you so much Reading!

Till, next time!

“Keeping in Touch”by MadalynChristine is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

Trans-Topic Thursdays! Sexual Orientation vs. Gender Identity!

Somehow, in this day and age, of endless resources and technology, for one reason or another, confusion on this subject still seems to exist for some portion of the population.

I felt especially with it being Pride Month that it was the perfect time for such a topic!

More often then not in the transgender community you will often hear people discuss how many (not all but some!) still seem to think a correlation between sexual orientation and gender identity are inherently linked somehow.

This should go without saying but this is not the case at all!

I personally feel (as I’m sure many trans-people do as well) that this topic will often arise when “coming out” and/or disclosing your transgender status to others. This primarily seems to be the case especially with people you previously knew before beginning to transition. One of the first few questions you will often receive typically include…

So, Does that mean you like guys or girls?

(Or something along these lines…)

Sure, I can understand how for many this is a simple logical followup question in such a scenario. However, it really shouldn’t be relative at all…

Someone’s gender identity has absolutely nothing to do with the vast amount of different sexual preferences that exist. Sexual attraction is a broad spectrum which so many seem to feel the need to put into such rigid categories.

I’d also like to take this opportunity to explain that the term “transgender” is an umbrella term to describe anyone who does not identify with traditional “gender binaries.” I, for example, am technically a “transsexual” meaning that I solely identify as being a woman and have sought medical care to assist me with this.

A transgender person can be straight, gay, lesbian, bi, asexual, etc…

Are Cis (non-transgender) individuals faced with the same kind of assumptions for their genders?

I mean, maybe in some cases but more often than not, this is not the case!

Maybe, it even should be more prevalent in a lot of ways!

A person’s gender whether they be Cis or Trans should have absolutely no reflection on their potential particular sexual orientation.

I know, for me personally (anyone who may have happened to already read my post that included my “Coming Out Story” has previously seen) that my own sexual orientation was something I have always struggled with almost my entire life!

I remember a very vivid situation sitting around with a few friends as a teenager telling them that I really thought I might be asexual because I simply never felt a strong attraction for either gender. I’ve come to realize and accept at this point in my life that this was most likely because I didn’t feel comfortable being with anyone as I used to be.

I still in a lot of ways struggle with this even to this day. I really don’t date or anything for the most part or ever really even think of “sexual things” most of the time.

(It’s actually an interesting perspective to be in a world surrounded by a society that is so obsessed with sex when you could really care less about it!)

Upon further self reflection I have since mainly settled on the fact that I simply just don’t typically find someone attractive unless I share a connection with them first. The term used to describe this, that has come to light in more recent years, is apparently called “Demi-Sexual.”

I’m not really the type that necessarily feels the need to put labels on things but this is the “group” I fit in with the most primarily.

I, also, in some ways, identify as being “Pan-Sexual” which essentially means you don’t limit your attractions solely based on various gender identities.

Like I said, I’m not one that really feels the need to put labels on everything but I certainly understand the need that many feel to do so!

In a lot of ways, I think a decent majority of people would be happier not allowing things to be so “set in stone” when it comes to the various levels of attraction and/or gender identity!

Both of these, as briefly mentioned previously in this post, are on a huge ever growing spectrum. I’m sure a ton of people would potentially be a lot happier or even more open if our society didn’t feel the need for things to be solely one way or another with various things.

I guess that seems like as a good a place as any to wrap up this particular topic.

I hope for some this may have been, in anyway, mildly educational or interesting!

Happy Pride Month Everyone!

Don’t let anyone ever make you feel like you are wrong for simply being who you are!

(As long as nobody is getting hurt!)

(Unless maybe your into that and it’s consensual…)

Thank you so much for Reading!

Till, next time!

“Rainbow_flag_and_blue_skies”by Imágenes Gratis Online is licensed under CC BY 2.0

Trans-Topic Thursdays! Voice! It can make or break you! (Not that you have to care!)

I found myself very torn this week between writing about the importance of your “Voice” and how if you decide you are or may be transgendered should be something you begin to practice above almost anything else in my opinion or….

Jump right into the “Mental Changes” Topic!

I believe I dropped at least some type of hints towards either of these in my last Trans-Topic post?

I felt like it was better to mix up the changes talk.

As you can see, I have since decided on Voice for now, so let’s get started!

(As mentioned at the start before the really unnecessary introduction…)

I’m not saying that your voice is solely one of the most important things to focus on. I do feel, however, that it is something that may tend to be overlooked more so in the beginning?

I say this solely based on the fact that a “brand new awesome female voice” is not something you can just magically obtain overnight.

It takes time, practice, and dedication.

Surgery options are available if you feel you may choose to pursue this route as an option in the future. I have read that even then it is highly recommended to still do some previous voice training before surgery. This is said to help maximize results. As with all surgeries, some degree of risk is involved as well.

Personally, I don’t feel the need to pursue surgery.

I, myself, was able to obtain a voice I was more than happy with after I’d say two years?

Keep in mind, this is a point when I would say I “tapped out” for the most part is all. Not to say that I don’t still feel it continues to be better all the time but just more in the sense when it peaked?

It takes a decent amount of time is all my point is.

Basic, I guess, science lesson for you?

(I’m certainly not going to 100% guarantee what I’m going to say but I would hope it’s fairly accurate from research I’ve done in the past.)

We all are both born with an upper and lower register that we use for speech. Most of us as children will all naturally speak in the upper of the two until puberty when males begin to trigger the use of primarily the lower register.

We are all capable of accessing these registries with time and practice. This training and/or practice should be taken very seriously or you may run the risk of straining your vocal chords.

(Pretty much just meaning you’ll have like a super bad sore throat for a day or two!)

A “mistake” you sometimes will see, is that some Mtf’s may try to talk using more of a “falsetto” type of speaking voice. Involving simply trying to sound higher or more “airy” if you will.

Let me stress this, now!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this!

You don’t even have to do anything to your voice as far as I’m concerned!

By all means, you do you, kick it low or high, whatever works for you!

This is simply all just my opinion on something I know, for me, was very important not only for myself but my ability to feel comfortable with others as well.

Where was I…?

O, Falsetto!

This is not the style of voice that you should be striving for in your long term goals to sound more “feminine.” You can’t be afraid of the lowness or deepness of your voice.

If anything I say embrace that!

Seriously, listen to how your average woman speaks?

She’s not all light and nasally or up in her head!

She’s just talking and hopefully being awesome!

Training yourself to access and use this “upper register” as mentioned before will eventually lead you to not even thinking of how natural it is to just talk and be yourself. I feel like your inner “thinking” voice is an interesting example you’ll see change, as well.

I would honestly consider my voice to be my “saving grace” in my ability to “pass well” for the most part. Once again, not something you should need to feel any concern about! If it is, however, then it is completely within your reach!

Yes, it takes time!

Pretty much every second you get alone should be practicing time!

I would highly recommend finding training videos and other resources to help you. Both are fairly easy and accessible to find on your own. You can use ones that aren’t specifically “trans-related” that work just fine, too. I would say I used a healthy combo of both myself.

Still to this day I repeat this “Rainbow Passage” voice training exercise I’ve probably said like a million times!

(Along with plenty of various others….)

Another good thing to do is record yourself! I used to do this on my phones personal recorder for memos. Essentially almost every time I was in the car for probably two years? Let alone all the other times!

I feel like I’ve been making this sound like a grueling process but I assure you it’s not that bad! It may take time and effort but very little besides that in all honesty!

I know you can do it if you set your mind to it!

Or don’t!

That’s cool like I said!

I’m all for the mentality of people doing whatever they need to with their lives to be happy as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone!

Whether that is your voice or anything else!

I hope this was informative, interesting, and/or helpful for some!

As always, Thank you so much for reading!

“”by tanita1 is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

Trans-Topic Thursdays! What you can/cannot expect if you decide to take hormones. (Mtf perspective)

Just for clarification I’m almost certain most/all of these pills aren’t actually hormones…I just thought this was really pretty, ha ha!

I’d like to start this post by specifying, once again, something I mentioned in my “So you think you might be Trans” post. Hormones are to be taken very SERIOUSLY! They are not something that you just wake up one day and are like, “Hey, this sounds awesome! I’m gonna start this right now!” This is not at all how something as serious as hormones should be approached by any means.

Hormones will change everything about you both physically and mentally. When I say they will change everything I mean they will change EVERYTHING!

Some of the physical and/or emotional effects of hormones can be reversed if for some reason or another you decide to stop taking them. The longer you are on them, the harder it may or may not be for certain things to change or revert. Sometimes, it is even necessary to undergo reverse hormone therapy in some cases I’ve read.

So please, if you or anyone you know is debating starting hormone therapy in the future for any reason make sure that proper research and/or counseling is obtained beforehand.

With all that once again being stated…

Let’s begin shall we!

For me, personally, hormones were a struggle and a half at the beginning to say the least….

It took me over a year to have my blood-work return with levels in a healthy “normal” female range. I feel this was primarily in my case because I first chose to start by taking the pill form of estrogen. (I still hate needles and every time I have to do an injection!) I have never personally responded much to pills for whatever reason, no matter what they were for. I don’t know if this has to do with my metabolism or what but they just don’t typically work for me. I eventually ended up switching to injections and have since never had the above mentioned issues. This is a clear example of what I’m sure if you’ve even mildly searched this topic previously have come across this statement….

Your Mileage May Vary!

No truer words can be spoken when talking about hormones and how anyone is going to experience any type of changes. This is the number one thing to always remember. You can not always relate or compare your current/on-going experiences with others.

(After, what seems to be becoming a pattern with my trans-related posts, enormous intro…)

We might as well start with the fun stuff first so…

What changes can you expect?

Once again, this is all based on my own personal experiences so I may miss some things but I’ll try my best to cover everything.

Most noticeable, right off the bat, I primarily remember my skin changing. It gets softer, smoother, and just all around more feminine and awesome! I feel like this enough at the start helps you to feel even slightly better about your dysphoria. One noticeable downside to this is that softer/smoother is usually because your skin is actually becoming thinner. This means that you will probably begin to experience for example, “coldness” in ways you never have felt before. Any males who may be reading have LITERALLY no idea how much colder females usually truly are!

I guess, that leads right into one of the next which is loss of muscle mass. Some things like your limbs, hands, feet, (I guess everything…ha ha!) also will, slowly but surely, begin to shrink and/or take on a more feminine appearance. I was never like “super duper” strong before but the strength difference is almost unbelievable at times.

Moving right along, simultaneously, while all this loss is going on you are also gaining something. FAT! In places you may not have had before, all over your body! At first, I feel this is most noticeable in the face which helps greatly in obtaining a more feminine appearance. Followed only shortly by both hip/thigh and breast development.

Personally, I am still very lacking in all of these, sadly, being very small in all of these departments but I was always fairly skinny my entire life. I’ve been told/seen that it is much easier to obtain these things if you had more weight to work with in the first place. (I swear no matter what I do or eat I don’t gain a pound. Both a blessing and a curse I assure you!) I did still get to go through the lovely “puberty phase” of growing buds and the like while my breasts were developing. I have plenty of stretch marks on my inner thighs from them growing as well, so that’s awesome…

Hair is another major thing that will change, both on your head and your body. I was luckily blessed with never having all that much body hair myself. Any that I did have has almost completely ceased to exist at least in primarily male related spots such as chest, stomach, etc. Body hair in general everywhere on your body will most likely thin out and/or become much softer. Hair on your head, however, if you are “lucky” enough to be like me and have a slight recede, will grow back in some. Not by any great strides that could fully make you regrow a full head of hair if you may already be balding but enough to help somewhat.

Lastly, hormones will lead to you eventually becoming “impotent” most likely shortly after you begin taking them. Meaning you will not be able to produce what you would need to have children that were biologically your own. Plenty of options are available for those concerned with this. You can always freeze your “specimen” at various facilities but I’ve been told this is very expensive. You could adopt which I’ve always thought is one of the most awesome things anyone could ever do, no matter the circumstance. Maybe this isn’t a concern of yours at all and then you’re good to go!

I think, for the most part, that primarily covers most physical changes you can expect…

So, let’s move on to what will NOT change!

First off, your voice will not change on it’s own. This takes weeks, months, or even years to achieve with constant dedication and practice. I intend to make a post focusing solely on this in the near future so let’s move on for now.

Second, one that I hate every single day of my life at some point usually. You will always have the same bone structure and nothing is ever going to change that except for potentially very serious surgeries. If you are lucky to be blessed with things like me (ex. enormous rib-cage and broad shoulders!) you will always have them, so learn to love them! They will become slightly less noticeable by the muscle loss, mentioned above, hopefully though.

Hmm? I can’t really think of anything else right now…

I’m sure this post is probably big enough by this point anyway…

For those of you reading this who may be looking to begin hormone therapy in the future please take to heart what I’ve said and make sure to do your research. Talk to people, a therapist, a friend or family member, anyone you have before potentially deciding to begin. Hormones will change everything about you as previously stated and are not be taken lightly by any means. Not only will they change you physically but they will also change you mentally. (I plan to do an entirely separate post on this topic in the future. I feel it isn’t as often discussed and almost more prevalent/powerful in my opinion.)

I know that you may/may not have felt this way your entire life and/or the feelings are so strong right now that it may be all you can think about but please take your time. Make sure you know with 100% certainty that this is what you want with your life. Do not rush any type of decision making in your transition process.

It’s a marathon, not a race!

I think I said that right? Ha ha!

I’m going to wrap this up now, Till next time!

“Pillustration” by Benjamin Kranzusch is licensed under CC BY-NC 4.0