Just Wanted to Let You All Know I’m Still Here… (Also, I was Fired for the First Time in my Life…)


I can’t believe it’s been an entire month since I apologized for not being able to post after losing power for those few days weeks ago…

To say the least, that was the beginning of me entering one of my lovely “bad things tend to happen in threes” scenarios.

I find this quite funny considering one of the posts I had been working on at this time was on karma and how relevant it tends to be to my life in this respect. I will most likely edit said topic shortly after this and post it soon. Even though it seems odd to work on something I wrote over a month ago so we’ll see how that goes. It may not reflect my current feelings and circumstances which just wouldn’t feel right…

I sadly currently find myself in a very low place which occurs more often than I’d like in the course of my life. I found that when I first began to blog that it was very useful in helping me in this respect. Not only in organizing my own thoughts but also to help give me a task that I enjoyed doing. It doesn’t even necessarily feel right to post in a state of mind when I am not all that positive since this is what I always hope to inspire and convey. I am all about being real as well though which I guess is bound to coincide with this at times. I’m struggling very much right now to find anything that can hold my attention or give me even a moment of relief.

Gotta love depression!

It actually feels wrong to call this depression since actual clinical depression is typically brought on by nothing at all (which I’m no stranger to as well!) and this time I certainly have circumstances that have triggered my current feelings. (Or lack there of I should say…it’s sad how I still tend to revert to my “pre-transition” defense mechanism at times.)

I’m truly trying my best to not let my anxiety consume me as it has so many times before in the past.

To make a long story short, once my power was finally restored I came back to find my internet had been shut off which left me unable to post and I was only able to afford to restore it a few days ago. I live all by myself and just basic necessities are hard for me to maintain even when I do make decent money.

I briefly mentioned once I believe in my post on “satisfaction” that my job circumstances had recently changed for various reasons leading me to make a significant amount less than I was before so.

I had become completely content with this change in career because I thoroughly enjoyed the change of work experience and was really good at it if I do say so myself! My friend was my manager, with me being one of his assistant managers. I was happy and finally starting to feel better but with most good things in life this sadly came to an end sooner rather than later…

A number of “drama packed” incidents occurred within my company as they seem to do more often than not over my past two years with them which ended with my friend/boss quitting. This left my store in quite a disarray.

Two weeks later….for the first time in my life…

I was FIRED!

I was asked to leave one night with absolutely no reasoning by the person who was chosen to replace my boss. At first, he wouldn’t even give me a reason as I stated, just abruptly told me to clock out and leave for the night. Eventually, coming outside to speak to me informing me he heard rumors me and a fellow manager were planning a “mutiny.” Yes, he literally used this word…

The other girl and I were utterly shocked by this statement to say the least and couldn’t believe we were being dismissed for nothing but “locker room rumors” considering we were practically running the day to day operations entirely by ourselves. It ended with him saying we could both return to work the following day. The next morning, however, I woke up to a voicemail saying once again that I was no longer needed and that was that.

This was only last week…

I honestly wasn’t sure if I had planned to return regardless after such events having never experienced such disrespect and lack of trust in a workplace.

I’m still taking it quite hard because not only have I been told by every manager I’ve ever previously had within this company that I’m one of the “best workers they have ever had” but also for it to all to be so personal and really still without proper reasoning for my dismissal.

Others and myself have come to realize the whole situation may have had to do with me being trans, with it all just being an excuse to get rid of me which is something I’ve yet to deal with in a work place scenario. Perhaps why I didn’t even consider it at first.

This was a situation in which this middle-aged gentlemen used to treat me entirely different before he found out about me. He had actually worked below me at the time before his advancement and was no stranger to the occasional comment or more straightforward attempt to “hit on me.” After he was told, even though my interactions with him had changed, I never thought he would let it affect our professional relationship. Especially when I did so much for him after he took over.

At this point, it’s all neither here nor there I suppose…

I really only planned to make this a very quick entry stating that I was still around and hoping to become more active again.

I think I’m going to mix it up and just start to post whenever the time strikes me and feels right. Not to say that I ever forced anything in the past. I may revert back to a more solid schedule in the future. For now, however, I think this is the best plan until my life becomes a touch more stable again.

I know I have at least four or so drafts to edit and hopefully post in the near future I had previously already written, but I may just end up scrapping them at this point…

We’ll see!

Writing anew would probably be for the best right now in my current state anyway!

I’m sure I’ll push through like I always do!

Hope you all are doing well!

(I feel like I’m already going to regret this absolute drivel…at least I posted again at all.)


“Birds…”by nightshiftboy is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

Trans-Topic Thursdays! Being Transgendered in No Way Defines Me.


One of the primary reasons I only choose to write about trans-related topics once a week typically is to attempt to portray this concept as best I can. I really only post transgender topics in the first place to help and/or educate others finally being at a place in my life where I feel am able to give back to the community. I never do it with any intention of boasting or to convey that it is miraculous to be trans or anything along these lines.

I try to write about all different kinds of topics and interests of mine to further enforce this point, also while hoping to potentially attract new readers without being “judged” first by any means for being transgendered. I feel that I have plenty to share with others that has absolutely nothing to do with being trans.

This is why in my personal life I rarely choose to disclose my “transgender status” with others before I feel they learn to know me simply as a person beforehand. I seldom approach it any other way nowadays with some exceptions.

At my core I am exactly the same person I have always been my entire life!

Just a much happier person who is more willing to express and share certain aspects of myself that I wasn’t able to do beforehand for a number of reasons.

I have primarily the same interests I’ve always had, the same views and philosophies on life with just simply, if anything, gaining more new hobbies and interests than ever before!

Don’t get me wrong, it may still on occasion upset or bother me on a personal level in some aspects but who doesn’t experience feelings like this about themselves every once in a while regardless of who or what you may be.

I feel some who may not be all that familiar with transgendered individuals can sometimes have this view that we are trying to “shove it down your throat” on occasion. As if we somehow feel we instantly deserve your respect or acceptance. I would never expect this from anyone else no matter what and never would expect the same in return. (I plan to write a topic based solely on my views pertaining to respect in general for those who may be interested in the future.)

I’ve stated previously in my topic about how, “being trans is in no way a choice” that we are simply just normal average people just trying to live our lives like anyone else. We have hopes, dreams, things we need and want. We are just like anyone else who just wants to be happy so they can be their best self.

Some trans people who choose to transition in the beginning might not initially or ever be up to the standards of what some may deem “worthy of being female” but this does not change the fact that they always have been and always will!

A good majority, if not all, are not seeking the “extra attention” they may often receive or trying to harm/offend anyone, I assure you!

Each and everyone of us, trans or not, is just trying to do whatever they can to be comfortable with themselves and be happy!

We all deserve this no matter who you are and/or your background!

Thank you so much for Reading!

Till next time!


“alone & thinking credit to https://1dayreview.com”by 1DayReview is licensed under CC BY 2.0

Where Does Your Satisfaction Come From? What Does this Word Mean to You?


I honestly had no intentions of making this post by any means up until a few hours ago. I currently keep a notebook where I list my various topic ideas for the future and I suppose this will somewhat include some of those concepts as well as others I’ve mentioned in the past. A great deal was honestly inspired reading posts from a fellow blogger which made me realize that I had been thinking about this more so than I had even fully acknowledged recently.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I am truly so in love with the world of blogging in terms of being able to share ideas and thoughts with others. Blogging is more a personal autobiographical diary for me above all else really. If anyone appreciates or takes anything from it, that is all really just a plus to me.

Stay on topic, Cailin!

This all really goes hand in hand with what has even had all this on my mind recently though. Anyone who may have read my introductory post would have seen that I came across WordPress completely by accident while filling out a job application. I created one myself primarily at first just to get a feel for the site if I did manage to get the position I applied for. (I did not if you’re curious.)

Blogging and writing has always been appealing to me and something I was interested in trying but never pursued for whatever reason.

(I feel like I’m making this more about blogging which was not my intention…)

My overall point in all this rambling I suppose is that I’m a big believer in that everything happens for a reason for the most part. I’ve also found that this is a great outlet for me to occasionally organize the endless flow of thoughts that constantly occur within my head.

Jumping back to me pursuing other means of employment recently is what primarily put the current topic of discussion back into my mind. One I have always often come back to over the years for a number of reasons.

What I do for a job/career has honestly never been that important to me. I honestly have a ton of respect for anyone who truly knows what they want for themselves in this regard in many ways! When I was younger I always just wanted to help people until I realized that this could never be achieved for me in the way I wanted it to be. (I’ve mentioned this more in depth in previous posts so I won’t continue to ramble any further on unrelated things.)

My primary reason for bringing this up is with my current change in circumstances over the past few months I feel like once again I find myself bombarded by others who feel I don’t apply myself and/or waste my potential. I was completely content and happy with my old profession as well as past and future endeavors. As stated above this has never been important to me.

In all honestly, what anyone does for a living isn’t really of any interest to me for the most part. I care far more about who you are as a person and in life than your status or how much money you may make. You could make a million dollars a year and I could care less if you aren’t a good person. Granted some are able to combine helping others and/or including their passions within their professions but for most, sadly, this is not a realistic luxury. I feel this applies more nowadays than ever before.

I have never been a materialistic person in any sense whether it be what I wear, drive, own, or where I live. None of this has ever meant anything to me, nor does it matter to me in terms of anyone else’s life. If I ever do find myself overly wealthy for some reason I would probably still drive a “beater” vehicle and live in a smaller home with rather “bohemian” decor, ha ha!

I’ve never understood anyone who desires status and/or wealth feeling that this will somehow make them happy or have this need to prove anything to anyone else.

As long as I am surrounded by good people that I love, being a good person, helping others whenever I can expecting nothing in return, all while truly believing I am doing my best than what more could I ask for?

I really meant the entire theme of this post involving “satisfaction” in the generalist terms I possibly could!

I mean it also in the ways I just stated above including never expecting anything from anyone when I’m nice to them or help them. I feel like many do this for the sense of satisfaction or achievement which I will never understand as well.

I feel others even with some things can almost force a sense of satisfaction out of wanting to prove something and/or other exceptions of society in a completely different way. For example, the way that some may be obsessed with taking photos of themselves, others, places, or experiences just to prove they have/did them? (If that makes any sense at all…) I feel this reigns true more now than ever with “social media” being so important to many.

As also just mentioned above, I truly feel I have always lived and tried my absolute hardest in all aspects of life regardless of what anyone else may think about me. If I was to die tomorrow for whatever reason I would do so knowing that I was content and happy with myself all around until this point. I’ve had a great life so far honestly with many different types of experiences and people with hopefully much more still to come that I can’t even imagine.

I feel that many seem to limit their own personal satisfaction by things that other people or society put in place for them. They think they need an established career, to get married, purchase a house, have children, etc. and while all these things are well and good allowing many to feel a sense of satisfaction. You should by no means feel this is the only path to take or the only things that matter.

(I’d like to point out I have previously accomplished all of the aforementioned in the past for the record! None of this when all was said and done made me particularly happy for a number of reasons, with the only exception being my children.)

I guess I should wrap up this rambling once again with my initial question in the title of this post!

Where does your satisfaction come from?

What does this word even really mean?

I honestly couldn’t be more intrigued to potentially hear others thoughts on this subject!

As stated above, however, this is more just me needing to work out the thoughts in my own mind. About how others have recently made me reflect and think about my own actions and achievements. I know I can honestly say without a doubt that I am happy and down right proud of myself and how I’ve lived my life so far.

I don’t care what anyone else thinks about it and I never will!

Neither should you!

Whatever makes you happy and leaves you feeling satisfied with your life than keep doing it!

What else is life about?

Thank you so much for Reading!

(Jeez…I had a feeling that was going to be a long one no matter how hard I tried but come on girl…I really am the ramble on queen whether in real life or in writing even when I try my best, ha ha!)


“Lake Como, Belmar”by Khaz is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

Trans-Topic Thursdays! The Importance of Always Being Yourself! (By No Means Strictly a Trans Related Post!)


One thing I can not stand almost more than anything else is fake people! Something about this type of person, at least for me personally, is always so easy to pick up on and identify right off the bat. I couldn’t pin point exactly what it is about them that makes it so obvious per se. I feel it primarily has to just be mainly you can tend to tell when a person is trying to hard I suppose? I would imagine this has to become quite exhausting on occasion.

I’ve made it a habit since I was very young to only surround myself with genuine people whenever I was able to make the choice on who I spent my time with. I can’t think of many close friends I’ve ever had in my life that didn’t fit this qualification.

I understand fully that in some circumstances in can sometimes be necessary to put up some type of front or “wear a mask” as they say. Depending on the type of work environment you may find yourself in for example. I know I have personally worked many jobs that required a healthy amount of customer service. This sure does not mean that I keep up this level of presentation with my coworkers or even all customers however. I know a good majority of us can often hold back when first meeting someone whether it be a new potential friend or family member. This is completely normal as well! I’m talking mainly in the sense of once these relationships have been established for a reasonable amount of time.

I know for myself that any ability I ever had to hide anything of myself from anyone has all but completely faded since I started hormones and began transitioning.

(See, we are getting into why this is more of a trans-topic post now!)

I’m not entirely sure if this is more based on the mental changes I have undergone, just being tired of holding back my full “true self” for so long, or the latter.

I can say from my own experience and interactions with other transgender individuals that you will rarely encounter one of us that isn’t completely a genuine person! This applies more so once you get farther into your transition I feel for the most part but this is by no means always the case!

A piece of advice I’d like to give to those who may be just beginning to transition (or really anyone for that matter) is letting yourself fully find out who you are. I mean this more in the sense as to never feel the need to limit yourself by expectations!

Never let anyone or anything make you feel that you have to be anything that you’re not!

What I mean by this mainly to give an example, I tended to feel like early on in my own transition that some expected me to like overly change somehow in the sense that I would be stereo-typically more “girly” or something along these lines.

Do not get me wrong!

I am plenty “girly” in a number of different ways, ha ha!

However, I would say I am far from being dominantly so!

I am beyond “tom-boyish” in plenty of ways as well!

Once again though, what is all this honestly based on in the first place except for certain expectations put in place by our society?

What exactly is it that make such things absolutely have to be more preferred or “normal” by one gender over the other?

Why can’t people just be people?

I suppose this can sound a bit odd from someone who felt so strongly about their gender identity that they felt the need to change certain aspects of herself to feel more comfortable but I would hope you understand my point here, ha ha!

Back to just talking more in a general sense!

I feel like a common area this can apply for anyone is often being embarrassed or ashamed of your interests.

Whether they may be considered nerdy/geeky (whatever the heck this even means once again!) or anything in general for whatever reason a friend/family member of yours doesn’t approve of.

First and foremost!

Learn to stop caring at all what people think about you in any sense of the word!

I realize that this can be much easier said than done depending on the situation but does it really need to be?

Own whatever it is that you enjoy and makes you yourself!

And love yourself for it!

We are all incredibly unique people and this is what makes us all fantastically amazing!

No one else in this world no matter what will ever be exactly who you are!

Remember this!

Not only have I personally embraced my gender identity over the past five or so years but this process has also made me learn to be myself completely and fully! (Whether I want to be or not for the most part as stated above, ha ha!) I have all but ceased trying to hide my “weird” and often “crazy” self from anyone no matter who you are! Random stranger on street, my friends, my family, anyone!

I know I already stated this above but once again learn to love yourself for what makes you special!

I can almost guarantee that if you own whatever makes you uniquely yourself that you will become a ton happier than you have ever been in your life!

(As I often like to include in various posts! Always keeping in mind as long as this never involves harming anyone or causing anyone any kind of pain! If you do feel like this then please do yourself a favor and seek some type of help, ha ha!)

If you don’t love yourself for whatever reason right now, take comfort in the fact that even though I might not know you, I love you!

I mean this sincerely!

I tend to be cursed with this ability to always see the good in people and find something I like about you even with the aforementioned “faker” types. I’m sure you have your reasons for acting the way you do!

Thank you so much for Reading!


“Morning Hike”by SewPixie is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

Trans-Topic Thursdays! Being Transgendered is in NO WAY a Choice!

Had a hard time finding a picture I liked for this topic, then I saw this berry and it just seemed almost perfect for what I wanted to express!

I often read or even come across others in my own life that still seem to think that being transgendered is somehow a choice…?

Trust me when I say, it is in no way a choice!

Sure, if you think someone would choose to be something that affects almost every aspect of their life!

More often than not since you were a small child!

That constantly makes you feel uncomfortable and anxious!

Leaving you struggling searching to find something that makes you feel even a little better!

Maybe, you find transitioning (or not transitioning) could be the only hope you have to find some type of relief from what you’ve always dealt with!

Yet, also this means being persecuted by a large amount of the population just for trying to be yourself!

When half the time you hate yourself plenty all on your own!

Then, who wouldn’t want to sign up for this as their life, right?!?!

Please, trust me when I say that being transgendered is in No Way a Choice!

It may sound extreme but for many of us it truly is a choice between life and death. We would rather not live anymore, or finally try to live our lives as who we have always truly been and hope for the best!

Let me stress a point here!

We are nothing but normal everyday people just trying to live our lives for the most part. We truly mean you no harm! I don’t understand the viewpoint that exists at all some seem to have that we are in anyway deviants of any kind?

Let’s stay on topic though for now, shall we?

Honestly, for any of you who may have ever taken a look at my “behemoth” of a post about “coming out” would know how much I tried to suppress being trans until it completely consumed me. For as large as that post may be, it only details very small parts of what I dealt with throughout my life.

I remember being in kindergarten and my class having a “Hawaiian Day” or something along those lines at school. I wore like a fake grass skirt home we had all made in class just because I liked it. This was innocent, I didn’t think anything of it really? When I got off the bus I remember my friend’s father calling me a “faggot” and telling me to take it off. This must have hurt me enough at the time to still make me remember it to this day.

Watching home videos and stuff now with my family, they often joke with me sometimes about how you can tell I was way more interested in my sister’s toys. I know at least one of them involved a ring from a “Pretty, Pretty Princess” game. (I’m far from a “princess” for the record, ha ha!)

Often when I was younger people would often mistake me for a girl. This would make me as equally happy as it would make me upset.

Then, you hit your teens and forget about it!

You are freaking out about everything!

It’s all just wrong and it kills you!

This can often lead to you experiencing depression for most of your teens, often following you into adult hood. You can try to find various ways to deny these feelings. Shut yourself down emotionally, alcohol, drugs, hobbies, various other distractions and vices but…

IT NEVER GOES AWAY!

And it never will go away!

No matter how you end up dealing with being transgender this is something you just end up needing to accept eventually or you will probably be miserable your entire life.

For many this path leads to transitioning like myself but others find plenty of other ways in some cases that allow them to find peace with themselves.

To each their own!



I’ve said before, gender is a spectrum and you can take all the time you need to find where your place on it lies!

That seems like as good a closing line as any!

Learn to love yourselves everyone!

No matter who are you!

Thank you so much for Reading!


“IMG_1408”by CoryDeanSmith.com is licensed under CC BY 2.0

“Not caring what other people think is the best choice you will ever make.”by deeplifequotes is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

Trans-Topic Thursdays! Mental Changes from Hormones! (Almost more Prevalent than Physical Changes in my Opinion!)

I know that this topic is not one that is insanely unspoken about by any means! I do feel that in some ways it is almost put on the back-burner in a sense more often than not for some. I felt the need to write it more for those who may view or think being transgendered/transitioning is all more about the “physical aspect” of things than anything else.

Whether you be trans yourself or maybe just curious! I hope you enjoy!

Anyone who has read any of my previous posts will know that I have been on hormone replacement therapy (HRT) for roughly five years now. Words can honestly not even begin to describe the roller-coaster something like this entails! I truly don’t think it will ever be something one can fully relate to unless you are transgendered yourself and choose to pursue hormone therapy.

I like to refer to the first, give or take, two years I was on hormones to be the “puberty phase.” During this time you are experiencing more emotions, thoughts, and feelings than you can hardly stand half the time typically leaving you overwhelmed in a multitude of ways for various reasons.

Not only are you literally fully replacing all the hormones in your body, which effect more aspects of every sense of our lives more so than some probably may realize or think about all too often. You are also dealing with who knows what the heck else. You are most likely horribly depressed, anxious, you may not have support, etc…

I was lucky in the sense to have amazing support almost all around but I had plenty of others unique circumstances I was dealing with as well. I can easily say that this whole period of time was the most depressing period and hardest times I’ve ever went through in my life. (Which is saying something I assure you!)

I spent probably my first three months on hormones sleeping almost all day, everyday, not only from depression but the effects of the changes I was experiencing from such at abrupt change to my system. For most of these first two years I was irritable, upset, exhausted, barely ate half the time, I barely functioned in general…

Then, miraculously one day (which literally feels like it comes out of absolutely nowhere!) I realized two things…

I’m kind of starting to feel a ton better and more stable?

Actually….I feel like a totally different person!

THIS IS INSANE! HOW AND WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?!?!?

I swear you will always read or see about this aspect of transitioning and taking hormones often discussed by others but it’s unimaginable until you truly experience it for yourself.

Don’t get me wrong! I am still 100% myself in so many ways!

It’s almost more as if who I’ve always been is just like enhanced? (For lack of a better word or ability to explain…)

I feel another potentially huge factor in all this is also how, more often than not, trans people will suppress who they really are in a lot of ways. I mention in my coming out post about how I used to mainly just let myself be emotionless almost, unintentionally, so I didn’t have to deal with how I really felt.

I can assure you now that I feel more emotions and cycle through more thoughts in a single day than I can even handle some days! Ha ha!

I feel in some ways like I was only born about 3 years ago and honestly never feel like the person I was before was ever me.

(I often think about how funny it would be if we could somehow meet. I think it would be HILARIOUS!)

When you first begin HRT I think a lot of the initial effects come more from relief of finally starting steps to help yourself and may in some ways even be a type of “placebo effect.”

Let me assure you, however!

Things are going to change one day in ways you can’t even comprehend out of nowhere and it will be amazing!

Be patient! As always, with all aspects of transitioning YOUR MILEAGE MAY VARY!

Transitioning is by no means a race! Unless growing as a person every single day like we all should in life should be rushed… (Sarcasm!)

While, I still struggle in plenty of ways, as we all do, whether it be “normal problems” or transgendered related things, I have never felt better about myself as a person all around and continue to get happier and more comfortable every single day!

I do intend to make a post in the future pertaining to more specific examples and experiences that these changes have entailed but for now I think this will do just fine!

I hope this has been mildly entertaining and/or informative!

Thank you so much Reading!

Till, next time!

“Keeping in Touch”by MadalynChristine is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0