Just Wanted to Let You All Know I’m Still Here… (Also, I was Fired for the First Time in my Life…)


I can’t believe it’s been an entire month since I apologized for not being able to post after losing power for those few days weeks ago…

To say the least, that was the beginning of me entering one of my lovely “bad things tend to happen in threes” scenarios.

I find this quite funny considering one of the posts I had been working on at this time was on karma and how relevant it tends to be to my life in this respect. I will most likely edit said topic shortly after this and post it soon. Even though it seems odd to work on something I wrote over a month ago so we’ll see how that goes. It may not reflect my current feelings and circumstances which just wouldn’t feel right…

I sadly currently find myself in a very low place which occurs more often than I’d like in the course of my life. I found that when I first began to blog that it was very useful in helping me in this respect. Not only in organizing my own thoughts but also to help give me a task that I enjoyed doing. It doesn’t even necessarily feel right to post in a state of mind when I am not all that positive since this is what I always hope to inspire and convey. I am all about being real as well though which I guess is bound to coincide with this at times. I’m struggling very much right now to find anything that can hold my attention or give me even a moment of relief.

Gotta love depression!

It actually feels wrong to call this depression since actual clinical depression is typically brought on by nothing at all (which I’m no stranger to as well!) and this time I certainly have circumstances that have triggered my current feelings. (Or lack there of I should say…it’s sad how I still tend to revert to my “pre-transition” defense mechanism at times.)

I’m truly trying my best to not let my anxiety consume me as it has so many times before in the past.

To make a long story short, once my power was finally restored I came back to find my internet had been shut off which left me unable to post and I was only able to afford to restore it a few days ago. I live all by myself and just basic necessities are hard for me to maintain even when I do make decent money.

I briefly mentioned once I believe in my post on “satisfaction” that my job circumstances had recently changed for various reasons leading me to make a significant amount less than I was before so.

I had become completely content with this change in career because I thoroughly enjoyed the change of work experience and was really good at it if I do say so myself! My friend was my manager, with me being one of his assistant managers. I was happy and finally starting to feel better but with most good things in life this sadly came to an end sooner rather than later…

A number of “drama packed” incidents occurred within my company as they seem to do more often than not over my past two years with them which ended with my friend/boss quitting. This left my store in quite a disarray.

Two weeks later….for the first time in my life…

I was FIRED!

I was asked to leave one night with absolutely no reasoning by the person who was chosen to replace my boss. At first, he wouldn’t even give me a reason as I stated, just abruptly told me to clock out and leave for the night. Eventually, coming outside to speak to me informing me he heard rumors me and a fellow manager were planning a “mutiny.” Yes, he literally used this word…

The other girl and I were utterly shocked by this statement to say the least and couldn’t believe we were being dismissed for nothing but “locker room rumors” considering we were practically running the day to day operations entirely by ourselves. It ended with him saying we could both return to work the following day. The next morning, however, I woke up to a voicemail saying once again that I was no longer needed and that was that.

This was only last week…

I honestly wasn’t sure if I had planned to return regardless after such events having never experienced such disrespect and lack of trust in a workplace.

I’m still taking it quite hard because not only have I been told by every manager I’ve ever previously had within this company that I’m one of the “best workers they have ever had” but also for it to all to be so personal and really still without proper reasoning for my dismissal.

Others and myself have come to realize the whole situation may have had to do with me being trans, with it all just being an excuse to get rid of me which is something I’ve yet to deal with in a work place scenario. Perhaps why I didn’t even consider it at first.

This was a situation in which this middle-aged gentlemen used to treat me entirely different before he found out about me. He had actually worked below me at the time before his advancement and was no stranger to the occasional comment or more straightforward attempt to “hit on me.” After he was told, even though my interactions with him had changed, I never thought he would let it affect our professional relationship. Especially when I did so much for him after he took over.

At this point, it’s all neither here nor there I suppose…

I really only planned to make this a very quick entry stating that I was still around and hoping to become more active again.

I think I’m going to mix it up and just start to post whenever the time strikes me and feels right. Not to say that I ever forced anything in the past. I may revert back to a more solid schedule in the future. For now, however, I think this is the best plan until my life becomes a touch more stable again.

I know I have at least four or so drafts to edit and hopefully post in the near future I had previously already written, but I may just end up scrapping them at this point…

We’ll see!

Writing anew would probably be for the best right now in my current state anyway!

I’m sure I’ll push through like I always do!

Hope you all are doing well!

(I feel like I’m already going to regret this absolute drivel…at least I posted again at all.)


“Birds…”by nightshiftboy is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

Trans-Topic Thursdays! Being Transgendered is in NO WAY a Choice!

Had a hard time finding a picture I liked for this topic, then I saw this berry and it just seemed almost perfect for what I wanted to express!

I often read or even come across others in my own life that still seem to think that being transgendered is somehow a choice…?

Trust me when I say, it is in no way a choice!

Sure, if you think someone would choose to be something that affects almost every aspect of their life!

More often than not since you were a small child!

That constantly makes you feel uncomfortable and anxious!

Leaving you struggling searching to find something that makes you feel even a little better!

Maybe, you find transitioning (or not transitioning) could be the only hope you have to find some type of relief from what you’ve always dealt with!

Yet, also this means being persecuted by a large amount of the population just for trying to be yourself!

When half the time you hate yourself plenty all on your own!

Then, who wouldn’t want to sign up for this as their life, right?!?!

Please, trust me when I say that being transgendered is in No Way a Choice!

It may sound extreme but for many of us it truly is a choice between life and death. We would rather not live anymore, or finally try to live our lives as who we have always truly been and hope for the best!

Let me stress a point here!

We are nothing but normal everyday people just trying to live our lives for the most part. We truly mean you no harm! I don’t understand the viewpoint that exists at all some seem to have that we are in anyway deviants of any kind?

Let’s stay on topic though for now, shall we?

Honestly, for any of you who may have ever taken a look at my “behemoth” of a post about “coming out” would know how much I tried to suppress being trans until it completely consumed me. For as large as that post may be, it only details very small parts of what I dealt with throughout my life.

I remember being in kindergarten and my class having a “Hawaiian Day” or something along those lines at school. I wore like a fake grass skirt home we had all made in class just because I liked it. This was innocent, I didn’t think anything of it really? When I got off the bus I remember my friend’s father calling me a “faggot” and telling me to take it off. This must have hurt me enough at the time to still make me remember it to this day.

Watching home videos and stuff now with my family, they often joke with me sometimes about how you can tell I was way more interested in my sister’s toys. I know at least one of them involved a ring from a “Pretty, Pretty Princess” game. (I’m far from a “princess” for the record, ha ha!)

Often when I was younger people would often mistake me for a girl. This would make me as equally happy as it would make me upset.

Then, you hit your teens and forget about it!

You are freaking out about everything!

It’s all just wrong and it kills you!

This can often lead to you experiencing depression for most of your teens, often following you into adult hood. You can try to find various ways to deny these feelings. Shut yourself down emotionally, alcohol, drugs, hobbies, various other distractions and vices but…

IT NEVER GOES AWAY!

And it never will go away!

No matter how you end up dealing with being transgender this is something you just end up needing to accept eventually or you will probably be miserable your entire life.

For many this path leads to transitioning like myself but others find plenty of other ways in some cases that allow them to find peace with themselves.

To each their own!



I’ve said before, gender is a spectrum and you can take all the time you need to find where your place on it lies!

That seems like as good a closing line as any!

Learn to love yourselves everyone!

No matter who are you!

Thank you so much for Reading!


“IMG_1408”by CoryDeanSmith.com is licensed under CC BY 2.0

“Not caring what other people think is the best choice you will ever make.”by deeplifequotes is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

Trans-Topic Thursdays! Mental Changes from Hormones! (Almost more Prevalent than Physical Changes in my Opinion!)

I know that this topic is not one that is insanely unspoken about by any means! I do feel that in some ways it is almost put on the back-burner in a sense more often than not for some. I felt the need to write it more for those who may view or think being transgendered/transitioning is all more about the “physical aspect” of things than anything else.

Whether you be trans yourself or maybe just curious! I hope you enjoy!

Anyone who has read any of my previous posts will know that I have been on hormone replacement therapy (HRT) for roughly five years now. Words can honestly not even begin to describe the roller-coaster something like this entails! I truly don’t think it will ever be something one can fully relate to unless you are transgendered yourself and choose to pursue hormone therapy.

I like to refer to the first, give or take, two years I was on hormones to be the “puberty phase.” During this time you are experiencing more emotions, thoughts, and feelings than you can hardly stand half the time typically leaving you overwhelmed in a multitude of ways for various reasons.

Not only are you literally fully replacing all the hormones in your body, which effect more aspects of every sense of our lives more so than some probably may realize or think about all too often. You are also dealing with who knows what the heck else. You are most likely horribly depressed, anxious, you may not have support, etc…

I was lucky in the sense to have amazing support almost all around but I had plenty of others unique circumstances I was dealing with as well. I can easily say that this whole period of time was the most depressing period and hardest times I’ve ever went through in my life. (Which is saying something I assure you!)

I spent probably my first three months on hormones sleeping almost all day, everyday, not only from depression but the effects of the changes I was experiencing from such at abrupt change to my system. For most of these first two years I was irritable, upset, exhausted, barely ate half the time, I barely functioned in general…

Then, miraculously one day (which literally feels like it comes out of absolutely nowhere!) I realized two things…

I’m kind of starting to feel a ton better and more stable?

Actually….I feel like a totally different person!

THIS IS INSANE! HOW AND WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?!?!?

I swear you will always read or see about this aspect of transitioning and taking hormones often discussed by others but it’s unimaginable until you truly experience it for yourself.

Don’t get me wrong! I am still 100% myself in so many ways!

It’s almost more as if who I’ve always been is just like enhanced? (For lack of a better word or ability to explain…)

I feel another potentially huge factor in all this is also how, more often than not, trans people will suppress who they really are in a lot of ways. I mention in my coming out post about how I used to mainly just let myself be emotionless almost, unintentionally, so I didn’t have to deal with how I really felt.

I can assure you now that I feel more emotions and cycle through more thoughts in a single day than I can even handle some days! Ha ha!

I feel in some ways like I was only born about 3 years ago and honestly never feel like the person I was before was ever me.

(I often think about how funny it would be if we could somehow meet. I think it would be HILARIOUS!)

When you first begin HRT I think a lot of the initial effects come more from relief of finally starting steps to help yourself and may in some ways even be a type of “placebo effect.”

Let me assure you, however!

Things are going to change one day in ways you can’t even comprehend out of nowhere and it will be amazing!

Be patient! As always, with all aspects of transitioning YOUR MILEAGE MAY VARY!

Transitioning is by no means a race! Unless growing as a person every single day like we all should in life should be rushed… (Sarcasm!)

While, I still struggle in plenty of ways, as we all do, whether it be “normal problems” or transgendered related things, I have never felt better about myself as a person all around and continue to get happier and more comfortable every single day!

I do intend to make a post in the future pertaining to more specific examples and experiences that these changes have entailed but for now I think this will do just fine!

I hope this has been mildly entertaining and/or informative!

Thank you so much Reading!

Till, next time!

“Keeping in Touch”by MadalynChristine is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0