Just Wanted to Let You All Know I’m Still Here… (Also, I was Fired for the First Time in my Life…)


I can’t believe it’s been an entire month since I apologized for not being able to post after losing power for those few days weeks ago…

To say the least, that was the beginning of me entering one of my lovely “bad things tend to happen in threes” scenarios.

I find this quite funny considering one of the posts I had been working on at this time was on karma and how relevant it tends to be to my life in this respect. I will most likely edit said topic shortly after this and post it soon. Even though it seems odd to work on something I wrote over a month ago so we’ll see how that goes. It may not reflect my current feelings and circumstances which just wouldn’t feel right…

I sadly currently find myself in a very low place which occurs more often than I’d like in the course of my life. I found that when I first began to blog that it was very useful in helping me in this respect. Not only in organizing my own thoughts but also to help give me a task that I enjoyed doing. It doesn’t even necessarily feel right to post in a state of mind when I am not all that positive since this is what I always hope to inspire and convey. I am all about being real as well though which I guess is bound to coincide with this at times. I’m struggling very much right now to find anything that can hold my attention or give me even a moment of relief.

Gotta love depression!

It actually feels wrong to call this depression since actual clinical depression is typically brought on by nothing at all (which I’m no stranger to as well!) and this time I certainly have circumstances that have triggered my current feelings. (Or lack there of I should say…it’s sad how I still tend to revert to my “pre-transition” defense mechanism at times.)

I’m truly trying my best to not let my anxiety consume me as it has so many times before in the past.

To make a long story short, once my power was finally restored I came back to find my internet had been shut off which left me unable to post and I was only able to afford to restore it a few days ago. I live all by myself and just basic necessities are hard for me to maintain even when I do make decent money.

I briefly mentioned once I believe in my post on “satisfaction” that my job circumstances had recently changed for various reasons leading me to make a significant amount less than I was before so.

I had become completely content with this change in career because I thoroughly enjoyed the change of work experience and was really good at it if I do say so myself! My friend was my manager, with me being one of his assistant managers. I was happy and finally starting to feel better but with most good things in life this sadly came to an end sooner rather than later…

A number of “drama packed” incidents occurred within my company as they seem to do more often than not over my past two years with them which ended with my friend/boss quitting. This left my store in quite a disarray.

Two weeks later….for the first time in my life…

I was FIRED!

I was asked to leave one night with absolutely no reasoning by the person who was chosen to replace my boss. At first, he wouldn’t even give me a reason as I stated, just abruptly told me to clock out and leave for the night. Eventually, coming outside to speak to me informing me he heard rumors me and a fellow manager were planning a “mutiny.” Yes, he literally used this word…

The other girl and I were utterly shocked by this statement to say the least and couldn’t believe we were being dismissed for nothing but “locker room rumors” considering we were practically running the day to day operations entirely by ourselves. It ended with him saying we could both return to work the following day. The next morning, however, I woke up to a voicemail saying once again that I was no longer needed and that was that.

This was only last week…

I honestly wasn’t sure if I had planned to return regardless after such events having never experienced such disrespect and lack of trust in a workplace.

I’m still taking it quite hard because not only have I been told by every manager I’ve ever previously had within this company that I’m one of the “best workers they have ever had” but also for it to all to be so personal and really still without proper reasoning for my dismissal.

Others and myself have come to realize the whole situation may have had to do with me being trans, with it all just being an excuse to get rid of me which is something I’ve yet to deal with in a work place scenario. Perhaps why I didn’t even consider it at first.

This was a situation in which this middle-aged gentlemen used to treat me entirely different before he found out about me. He had actually worked below me at the time before his advancement and was no stranger to the occasional comment or more straightforward attempt to “hit on me.” After he was told, even though my interactions with him had changed, I never thought he would let it affect our professional relationship. Especially when I did so much for him after he took over.

At this point, it’s all neither here nor there I suppose…

I really only planned to make this a very quick entry stating that I was still around and hoping to become more active again.

I think I’m going to mix it up and just start to post whenever the time strikes me and feels right. Not to say that I ever forced anything in the past. I may revert back to a more solid schedule in the future. For now, however, I think this is the best plan until my life becomes a touch more stable again.

I know I have at least four or so drafts to edit and hopefully post in the near future I had previously already written, but I may just end up scrapping them at this point…

We’ll see!

Writing anew would probably be for the best right now in my current state anyway!

I’m sure I’ll push through like I always do!

Hope you all are doing well!

(I feel like I’m already going to regret this absolute drivel…at least I posted again at all.)


“Birds…”by nightshiftboy is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

Media Mondays! My Experience Being in Bands/Supporting your Local Music Scene!


Any type of career or even mild interest in making it in any forms of entertainment has to be one of the most challenging and draining under takings that one can choose to devote their time to in my opinion.

It’s been almost 10 years, give or take, at this point since I was heavily involved with being in bands and taking part in live performances.

I have watched many of my friends and acquaintances dedicate their lives primarily to music throughout the years and even some that still do so to this day!

To make it in any form of entertainment you have to fully dedicate every last bit of yourself to fully committing to making it work! The second that you or one of your “partners” in such endeavors begin to lose interest or hope in such activities then you’ve already failed!

This can sound very harsh but 100% dedication for your particular passion has to constantly drive every second of your being or you may as well quit before you even begin to try.

This becomes even more complicated with trying to make something like a band work. Not only do you have to maintain this yourself but you also have to rely on the others in your particular group to keep up this mentality as well!

The many various factors that are involved in such a project are almost literally endless with how many different issues/concerns can arise!

Not only do you all have to stay in agreement on the material that you create together. You all also have to continue to get along hopefully on a personal level! All of this and more I have dealt with myself in my own experiences and watched many others struggle with as well.

As you would imagine the level of stress with all the varying factors that come into play during the creative process, working together at all times, and having to agree on things in general can all lead to a very “taxing” experience. Not only do you have to deal with creating the content itself but also when/how you choose to distribute it, where you all agree/disagree on performing, etc.

The saddest part of all of this is that even if you yourself or your band as a whole are incredibly talented and people love your music! The chance that you will still “make it” are slim to none no matter what!

This can be very hard to maintain such a level of dedication when you begin to enter your early 30’s for example, as myself and most of the individuals I used to associate with find themselves currently getting older. I remember in my early twenties watching other bands in their 30’s, 40’s or even older still giving it their all and they always had my highest respect! If you don’t continue to give it your absolute best and dedicate such a huge part of your life towards it then once again you will never succeed!

Complications can arise on multiple levels with such a “task” as you could imagine! Whether it be worrying about your career, continuing to pay bills, or even maintaining your personal relationships, whether this be friends, spouses, or even children for some.

Let’s break up this random depressing notion for a second with some positive thoughts!

I will always love a local music scene almost more than I prefer to see bigger more well known performances!

Nothing more amazing to me exists than watching people I know, or even ones I don’t know, up on stage playing their hearts out literally giving it their all doing what they love!

I remember one of the number one things I used to enjoy in my early twenties was going to this local “run down bar” in my nearest city that did “open-mic nights” every Wednesday! I will never forget those nights for the rest of my life! People were allowed to show up with whatever they wanted and play three songs a piece until everyone who wanted to play had a chance. Sometimes people would mix and match with others they just met, all different styles of music, ages, walks of life, and it was nothing short of an incredible mix of musical passions!

I know this is no new concept to many but big or small never underestimate how amazing it can be to experience your own local live music scene!

Sometimes this can become a struggle to maintain depending on location, other varying factors but even if your own might be on the decline then make it your own personal “duty” or project to make it great again!

I feel like honestly right when I found myself unable to stay so involved in my own local scene for a number of reasons was when it began to pick up more than ever before! New festivals, activities and the like were all growing and being created by the very people I used to share these experiences with.

Venues and places to play in general will always come and go but the spirit will always be alive inside people! Whether it’s at a location where you can currently actively see it or not!

You always have to remember that the most important thing about keeping a local scene alive is supporting other performers! I feel like this aspect of things is what greatly hurts local music in more ways than one.

I remember when I used to play live in one of my bands very early years that we would often always play with another very popular local band at the time. This band would show up with a reasonable number of fans who would leave along with the band themselves once their own set was complete.

This is absolutely disgraceful in my opinion!

How can you truly claim to love and appreciate music if you can’t even have that passion for your fellow local performers?

I hope to eventually be able to get to a point in the future eventually when I can play live more often again myself. Whether this be in another band or even just another acoustic set at an open mic!

Music will always be my overall biggest passion!

If you at all feel the same then I highly recommend you get out into your own local scene!

If you don’t have one?

Create one like I said!

Music truly will always be amazing in it’s ability to bring people together who have a mutual appreciation for it!

I think this is the primary reason that I will always love it so much above anything else!

Thank you so much for Reading!

(Probably could have made this two separate posts in retrospect but whatever! As always, the writing bug took hold and it ended up way longer than intended! Perhaps I’ll edit it in the future, ha ha!)


“Flight Brigade – Live”by phin_hall is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0

“Music”by Chris_Hawes is licensed under CC BY 2.0

Where Does Your Satisfaction Come From? What Does this Word Mean to You?


I honestly had no intentions of making this post by any means up until a few hours ago. I currently keep a notebook where I list my various topic ideas for the future and I suppose this will somewhat include some of those concepts as well as others I’ve mentioned in the past. A great deal was honestly inspired reading posts from a fellow blogger which made me realize that I had been thinking about this more so than I had even fully acknowledged recently.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I am truly so in love with the world of blogging in terms of being able to share ideas and thoughts with others. Blogging is more a personal autobiographical diary for me above all else really. If anyone appreciates or takes anything from it, that is all really just a plus to me.

Stay on topic, Cailin!

This all really goes hand in hand with what has even had all this on my mind recently though. Anyone who may have read my introductory post would have seen that I came across WordPress completely by accident while filling out a job application. I created one myself primarily at first just to get a feel for the site if I did manage to get the position I applied for. (I did not if you’re curious.)

Blogging and writing has always been appealing to me and something I was interested in trying but never pursued for whatever reason.

(I feel like I’m making this more about blogging which was not my intention…)

My overall point in all this rambling I suppose is that I’m a big believer in that everything happens for a reason for the most part. I’ve also found that this is a great outlet for me to occasionally organize the endless flow of thoughts that constantly occur within my head.

Jumping back to me pursuing other means of employment recently is what primarily put the current topic of discussion back into my mind. One I have always often come back to over the years for a number of reasons.

What I do for a job/career has honestly never been that important to me. I honestly have a ton of respect for anyone who truly knows what they want for themselves in this regard in many ways! When I was younger I always just wanted to help people until I realized that this could never be achieved for me in the way I wanted it to be. (I’ve mentioned this more in depth in previous posts so I won’t continue to ramble any further on unrelated things.)

My primary reason for bringing this up is with my current change in circumstances over the past few months I feel like once again I find myself bombarded by others who feel I don’t apply myself and/or waste my potential. I was completely content and happy with my old profession as well as past and future endeavors. As stated above this has never been important to me.

In all honestly, what anyone does for a living isn’t really of any interest to me for the most part. I care far more about who you are as a person and in life than your status or how much money you may make. You could make a million dollars a year and I could care less if you aren’t a good person. Granted some are able to combine helping others and/or including their passions within their professions but for most, sadly, this is not a realistic luxury. I feel this applies more nowadays than ever before.

I have never been a materialistic person in any sense whether it be what I wear, drive, own, or where I live. None of this has ever meant anything to me, nor does it matter to me in terms of anyone else’s life. If I ever do find myself overly wealthy for some reason I would probably still drive a “beater” vehicle and live in a smaller home with rather “bohemian” decor, ha ha!

I’ve never understood anyone who desires status and/or wealth feeling that this will somehow make them happy or have this need to prove anything to anyone else.

As long as I am surrounded by good people that I love, being a good person, helping others whenever I can expecting nothing in return, all while truly believing I am doing my best than what more could I ask for?

I really meant the entire theme of this post involving “satisfaction” in the generalist terms I possibly could!

I mean it also in the ways I just stated above including never expecting anything from anyone when I’m nice to them or help them. I feel like many do this for the sense of satisfaction or achievement which I will never understand as well.

I feel others even with some things can almost force a sense of satisfaction out of wanting to prove something and/or other exceptions of society in a completely different way. For example, the way that some may be obsessed with taking photos of themselves, others, places, or experiences just to prove they have/did them? (If that makes any sense at all…) I feel this reigns true more now than ever with “social media” being so important to many.

As also just mentioned above, I truly feel I have always lived and tried my absolute hardest in all aspects of life regardless of what anyone else may think about me. If I was to die tomorrow for whatever reason I would do so knowing that I was content and happy with myself all around until this point. I’ve had a great life so far honestly with many different types of experiences and people with hopefully much more still to come that I can’t even imagine.

I feel that many seem to limit their own personal satisfaction by things that other people or society put in place for them. They think they need an established career, to get married, purchase a house, have children, etc. and while all these things are well and good allowing many to feel a sense of satisfaction. You should by no means feel this is the only path to take or the only things that matter.

(I’d like to point out I have previously accomplished all of the aforementioned in the past for the record! None of this when all was said and done made me particularly happy for a number of reasons, with the only exception being my children.)

I guess I should wrap up this rambling once again with my initial question in the title of this post!

Where does your satisfaction come from?

What does this word even really mean?

I honestly couldn’t be more intrigued to potentially hear others thoughts on this subject!

As stated above, however, this is more just me needing to work out the thoughts in my own mind. About how others have recently made me reflect and think about my own actions and achievements. I know I can honestly say without a doubt that I am happy and down right proud of myself and how I’ve lived my life so far.

I don’t care what anyone else thinks about it and I never will!

Neither should you!

Whatever makes you happy and leaves you feeling satisfied with your life than keep doing it!

What else is life about?

Thank you so much for Reading!

(Jeez…I had a feeling that was going to be a long one no matter how hard I tried but come on girl…I really am the ramble on queen whether in real life or in writing even when I try my best, ha ha!)


“Lake Como, Belmar”by Khaz is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0